when there's only one side fighting

[bradley james] crazy arse fans

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 19:03:40 GMT

I have to be careful here because I know there are people on my flist who know the girl who did it.

I've noticed some chatter around about the Behind the Magic interview Bradley, Colin, Katie and Angel did in regards to the girl who phoned around the hotels in France to try and find the one the cast were staying at.

Now, regardless of how I feel about the friends on my flist who know her, I have to say that kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

Many of you have been with me when I've met cast members and you know how I get. I get crazy and I say things that maybe I shouldn't but I would NEVER cross that line and I have NEVER been in a position where I want to stalk someone to that extent. THAT'S WHAT SHE DID. Whilst I am sure there were 39829 people congratulating her on doing it, I cannot be one of them. It's just such an invasion of privacy I would never be able to condone it.

Controlled environments, such as Conventions and Filming (to an extent) are fine. Conventions are there for the fans to meet the cast. Filming, as long as you are polite and you accept that a no really is a no, is fine. They're working. Doing things like hanging around personal places where they may be staying or eating or in their personal time is not.

They are still people, they still have lives and they should still be afforded PRIVACY.

There are some lines you just don't cross. It saddens me when fans do things like this because, despite how gracious he was, it gives the rest of us a bad name.

He may have been okay with it, but in the end he wasn't really left with a lot of choice, was he?

[foisting] On the Download; Merlin Cast; Behind the Magic (AUS)

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 15:48:25 GMT

ON THE DOWNLOAD; the Cast of Merlin on Behind the Magic (AUS)

(screencaps courtesy of teh_kateus over at merlinaustralia)

Have the .avi files :D

The Cast of Merlin on Australian TV:

Cast of Merlin on Behind the Magic (AUS) [part one] {.avi} [mediafire.com]
Cast of Merlin on Behind the Magic (AUS) [part two] {.avi} [mediafire.com]
Cast of Merlin on Behind the Magic (AUS) [part three] {.avi} [mediafire.com]
Cast of Merlin on Behind the Magic (AUS)[part four] {.avi} [mediafire.com]

(originals from teh_kateus over at merlinaustralia. if you have time, please go over here and thank her as well. thank you :))

eta; .mp4 to be added.
eta; part four is broken. fixing now.
eta; part four fixed. re-uploaded.

I AM SO IN LOVE WITH THEM I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.

WHY DID WE NOT GET THIS? OUTRAGEOUS!

(Also; I am just now finding out about the Merlin Episode 1 script;

ARTHUR smiles and he tears off his top. MERLIN looks at him -
he's ripped like 50 Cent. MERLIN swallows hard ...
He removes his own top - it's not quite so impressive.

ARTHUR
Here you go, big man.

RIPPED LIKE 50 CENT. LOL. Somehow I don't think Bradley James has ever been ripped like 50 cent, although he is definitely not lacking in the ripped department.

Damn whoever changed this script. I NEED SHIRTS OFF, OKAY.

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 01:05:20 GMT

It's fucking 2am. Our hotel room is right outside the inhouse fucking bar and effing nightclub. Four times we've asked to move or for them to turn it down. Four times they've ignored us.

I am so fucking pissed off right now.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

[fic] sidecar one } nick/joe } adult } long!fic [PART TWO]

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 21:10:59 GMT

Nick shouldn't have been surprised by the amount of paparazzi that found them in Burger King. Privacy was something long forgotten, something other people had. Pictures of him eating would be on the internet within an hour, but Nick was too distracted to care. His father was saying something about further promotion and Nick tried to pay attention, to reply in all the right places but Joe's phonecall was preying on his mind. Hanging up had been the wrong thing to do but something was wrong between them, something he was having trouble figuring out.

His father was talking about the band, about Joe and Kevin and how things would work over the next few weeks. When the topic changed to Joe's behaviour, Nick pretended to be interested in his burger. Joe was a sore subject, guilt over the phonecall still evident, and he toyed with his fries. "I'm concerned his behaviour is reflecting badly on the band."

Nick didn't understand why his father was telling him this. If he had concerns about Joe's behaviour, usually he'd speak with their Mom, but confiding in Nick didn't make sense. "I know, Dad," he said. "It'll be fine. Joe always gets like this before a tour."

His father regarded him quietly so Nick put his burger back down on the table.

"Really. He's just - Joe is Joe, Dad. He just needs time."

Nick followed his dad off of the plane, hoisting his carry-on bag further up his shoulder and bowing his head, prepared for the cameras that would be lining the tarmac. As they made their way towards the terminal, all Nick could think of was his family, waiting for him. He thought of Joe and his face, trepidation or apprehension obvious. He wasn't sorry he had hung up on Joe, but it didn't make it easier to think about. He wasn't going to apologise for it, either. They made their way through the airport and it took an hour or so before they were finally through to the Arrivals gate and he saw his Mom, smile wide. He pulled her into a hug and let Frankie cling to his legs as he was greeted home.

Joe was nowhere to be seen.

It stung a little and Nick couldn't help the smile falling from his face. His Mom had that look in her eyes, the one that told him she was going to apologize, to layer sympathy on him, but Nick wanted to head it off. Before he could, Kevin pulled him in and hugged him tight, whispering, "I'm sorry," into his ear.

Nick thanked God for Kevin and leaned into the hug, turning his face into Kevin's neck. He loved Kevin and he was glad his brother was here. If Nick couldn't have Joe then he would take Kevin. He'd spent so long in Kevin's company over the past few weeks, time they might not otherwise have shared, and it gave him a greater insight into his elder brother. He was so used to having an almost unexplainable relationship with Joe that he overlooked the relationship he had with Kevin. He loved Kevin - and Frankie - but he'd never needed them like he did now. When Nick didn't have Joe, it was akin to being lost at sea and Kevin made it easier to survive.

"Thanks," he said slowly as Kevin gave him one last squeeze and pulled away.

When they got back to the house, Nick could tell Joe was there. He saw his shoes propped up inside the door and the soft thump of Joe's music was evident through the ceiling. He set his jaw, dropping his bag down by Joe's shoes but at his father's raised eyebrow, he changed his mind and pulled it up the stairs behind him. He could feel Kevin's presence as he took the stairs one at a time, carrying Nick's suitcase. Nick should give him more credit, wondered how he could have forgotten how much of a rock Kevin had been his whole life, how much worth Kevin had in his life.

Nick hesitated outside of the door to the bedroom he shared with Joe, bag still half on, half-off of his shoulder.

"Nick?" Kevin was standing behind him and he jerked his shoulder down the hall. "Come with me."

Kevin led him down the hallway and into his room, propping Nick's suitcase against the wall. Nick frowned and wondered what he was doing here. Tapping the bed, Kevin looked at him pointedly and Nick sighed, moving over to the bed and sitting down on the edge. He could hear Joe's off-key singing and it was like a stab to his heart with every word. Joe would rather be in his room, listening to music then going with this family to meet Nick.

"When you hung up on him in Australia, you hurt him, Nicky."

It was like a jerk of reality because Kevin never called him Nicky. The added affection just made it worse. He tilted his head to better see Kevin and his older brother wasn't judging, he was just open, easy to read. Nick hated that. The disappointment in his eyes just made everything worse. "He wanted to explain, to try and sort out the fight but you wouldn't let him."

"We've fought before," Nick said, stupidly.

Kevin just raised an eyebrow. "Has he ever laid a hand on you before?"

"No." Nick admitted, quietly. Joe had never hurt him, not like that, and it was as though he could still feel the press of Joe's arm under his chin. "I didn't know what I was supposed to say. I was angry."

"So was he. He was willing to make the effort to try and sort things between you."

Nick hated being told he was wrong, or hadn't done enough and he bristled. "What was I supposed to do? Forgive him everything?"

"No," Kevin said slowly. "The least you could have done was not hang up and hear him to the end. Even if you told him you'd have to think about it, it wouldn't have been a cut off."

"You're so much better than me," Nick said. He believed it. Everything Kevin was telling him he should have done, could have done. Things with Joe had never been easy and they still weren't. "Joe and I-"

Kevin sighed. "I know, Nick. You and Joe have something I can only hope to understand," he said. "But I love you both and it hurts me to see you acting like this way because-"

Kevin trailed off but he kept his eyes on Nick's face, holding his attention and Nick had a horrible feeling in the pit of his stomach. Kevin had never said any of this to him before and it made him feel like a jerk. He and Joe had never once stopped to think about how Kevin must feel, watching them interact so closely and have a relationship he could never understand. They were a three man band but sometimes, maybe it felt like he was the third wheel and it left an uncomfortable taste in Nick's throat.

"What I'm trying to say," Kevin continued, "is that Joe thinks you don't need him anymore. He's screwed up so many times and Dad got so mad about this one that the reason he was sent to Australia was to keep you away from him."

Nick frowned. "Dad would never do that."

"No." Kevin said the word like he half didn't believe it and Nick got the feeling he did every time Joe talked about their father like that. Like the man he was seeing wasn't the same man Joe and Kevin saw. Nick loved his father to death but he'd seen the way he was with Joe sometimes, like maybe he wasn't quite good enough and it was in those moments that Nick hated him, maybe even for the first time.

"Joe thinks he would, though, and that's what matters, Nick. Joe thinks you don't need him and he hurt you because it's the only way he knew how to control himself."

Nick's voice tightened. "Joe's been angrier at Dad and he never hurt me then." He thought of the revelation of his diabetes and their father trying to explain to Joe why they had to continue the tour.

Kevin looked at him for a long time and then said, "You stood up for him then."

Nick was back to feeling like a jerk and he hated it, hated that he wasn't good enough to be the person that his brothers thought he was.

"What was I supposed to do?" It was more a plea than a question but Nick would never word it as such; he'd never ask for help.

Kevin sighed and ran a hand over his eyes. "Joe was fighting alone because of a mistake he made on the radio; from his perspective, you made one too but nothing was said."

"I'm not the favourite," Nick said, desperate for something to hold onto, to keep this argument going.

"I never said you were," Kevin snapped, anger chasing his tone. "This isn't about you, Nick, it never was. This is about Joe. Even when he tried calling you from Australia, you didn't want to know."

"How did you know what he was feeling?"

"Who do you think he called next?"

Letting out a breath and turning away, Nick ground his teeth quietly and clenched his fists.

"There were pictures of you and Dad at Burger King. You had to know they would be up within the hour, Nick. He thinks that Dad doesn't love him as much as he loves you and you're acting like his feelings don't matter."

Nick wasn't being fair to Kevin or Joe and he sighed, bit back on the anger and finally just relaxed, let what Kevin was saying actually sink in.

Turning, Nick pulled Kevin into a hug. "Thank you," he said.

Kevin wrapped an arm around Nick's neck and brought him in closer, kissing the side of his head. "I love you, Nick."

Nick swallowed hard, forcing past the lump in his throat and let himself relax into the hug, clenching his eyes shut. "Sometimes we don't deserve you," he said, voice raw and tight.

Kevin laughed lightly, but it was without humour and a little sad, like he knew that as soon as Nick and Joe were comfortable again, he'd go back to being just Kevin. Nick's heart felt heavy and he wished that things didn't have to be like that, that their default setting wasn't JoeandNick and Kevin. That they could just be them without the added expectation that Kevin would rise above and beyond the relationship Nick and Joe had. It was as if Nick and Joe were often immature and always behaved stupidly whilst Kevin was expected to be mature and behave when all he wanted to do was join in and just be their brother.

Nick and Joe didn't make it any easier. There was a barrier between the three of them with Kevin looking in. Sometimes even Frankie suffered at their hand. Nick couldn't explain it, couldn't explain the times he wanted to kiss Joe and touch him in ways that he shouldn't want to, but when he looked at Joe's face, sometimes it was easier to kiss him than to form words that would hurt them both.

Except. Except they had and Nick was sitting on Kevin's bed, using him again. "I love you," Nick said, meaning every word.

Kevin nodded, fingers light on the back of Nick's neck. "I know, Nicholas. I love you too."

Nick's heart jumped at Kevin calling him Nicholas and he pulled back a little. He looked into Kevin's eyes, saw the sorrow and pain, and brushed his lips against Kevin's, light and free from expectation. Kevin didn't look on him with judgment. His lips twitched slightly, but he looked sadder than ever. "Go to Joe, Nick."

He was being sent away and as Nick pulled away completely, resting his hands on his knees, the barrier was back and just as fragile as ever. He swallowed. "Thanks."

Kevin sighed and gave him a squeeze. "I'm your brother, Nick."

Yeah, Nick thought, and I won't forget it next time.

"Go see Joe." Kevin ruffled his curls and nodded at the door.

Nick took a deep breath and knew that the longer he left this thing with Joe, the wider the gap would become. They needed to fix it or they'd never have what they had before and Nick didn't know if he could survive without it.

The walk down the hallway seemed to take an age, every footstep heavy and foreboding but when Nick knocked the door opened almost immediately. Joe stared at him, jaw locked and his eyes hooded. For the first time Nick was scared.

"Joe," he said, resting his hand on the doorjamb.

"Nicholas."

Nick flinched. Joe had only ever called Nick that in that tone one time before, when they were fighting, the word sharp and unaffectionate. "This isn't all my fault," he said and knew immediately it was the wrong thing to say.

Joe snorted and his expression said everything; Nick was going to have to fight to get out of this one. "Right," he said dryly, "because you've just spent a week in exile too."

"It was Australia," Nick snapped, unable to keep from fighting even when he didn't want to.

He looked back and saw Kevin framed in the doorway, sitting on his bed and looking hopelessly small and young. It was the first time Nick felt disgusted with himself. Joe was still looking at him. He didn't say anything, mouth downturned, awkward and unhappy.

Nick wrapped a hand around Joe's wrist and pulled him out into the hallway. Before Joe could open his mouth to protest, Nick pointed at Kevin. "We did that," he said slowly. "I did that."

The frown fell from Joe's face and he looked at Kevin. "I never-"

"I'm sorry, Joe," Nick said. "I'm sorry for hanging up on you."

Joe's face was tight, closed off, but he nodded stiffly. "Is he alright?"

"No," Nick admitted, slowly.

Turning his back on Nick, and Nick hated that and Joe knew it, Joe walked over to the window and curled his fingers around the ledge. "What do you want me to say, Nick? Should I apologise to you?"

"No. I just don't want to fight anymore," Nick said, deflated.

Joe turned and he just looked sad, tired, alone and that cut deeper than anything else. "When I needed you, when I needed you, you didn't want to know."

"Dad's been mad at you before."

"You've always stood up for me before," Joe said with finality, echoing Kevin's words earlier.

Nick hated to think that he was in the wrong, that he'd misjudged a situation so badly, but he swallowed hard and wondered if maybe that's what he'd done. "I don't know what I was supposed to do," he said finally. "You stand up to dad, Joe. For me. Always for me. I won't-" He paused. "I can't do it, do you understand? I can't fight dad."

Joe just stared at him and Nick felt sick. Was this it? Were they just going to be -

"Nick," Joe said, quietly. "I can't do this without you but I don't know how to do it with you anymore."

The silence that fell after his words was too loud in Nick's ears and he had to lean against the door to feel something, to feel like he wasn't falling anymore. "I'm not apologising for something I can't do," he said. "I would do anything for you, you know I would, but I love what I have. Dad helped me get there, just like you and Kevin, and I can't be the one that tells him no."

Nick stared at Joe, even with Kevin looking hopelessly sad and small in the room down the hall, they couldn't stop being mad at each other. If he looked hard enough, he thought could still see the palm print his father had made on Joe's face all those months ago. He crossed the room in three strides and twisted a hand in Joe's shirt, pulled him close. "I don't know how I'm supposed to apologise."

"Maybe I don't want you to," Joe snapped.

"I want to." Their fights were stupid now, ridiculous and about nothing but Nick still needed to feel like he was in control, like he was winning. He backed Joe up against the wall, but Joe's hands caught in his, held his wrists.

"What are you doing?"

"That first day," Nick said, forming his words carefully. "I should have said I'm sorry. I should have told you that Dad was a dick and he shouldn't have hit you. I should have done this."

He leant forward, moving to kiss Joe but Joe turned his head to the side and Nick kissed his cheek. He pulled back, angry and hurt, but Joe didn't look back at him. He kept staring straight at the far wall. "Don't."

Joe had never rejected Nick before. Ever. "What do you want from me?"

Joe turned back then, incredulous. "Really? I screwed up in an interview, just like you, and got hit. I got sent to Australia for a week. I try to call you and you hang up on me like I'm nobody and then you expect me to welcome you back with open arms? You expect me to be happy just because we screwed up with Kevin and you feel bad? This isn't about you, Nick."

Nick knew it never was. Admitting it to himself was going to take a lot longer than one night could accomplish.

"What are we, then?"

"We're brothers." Joe said the words as though he had to fight for them, wrench them from the depths of his heart. "At least, I think we are, most of the time."

It was another jab, another dig and Nick knew he deserved every one. Knew that he was going to have to learn to take a lot more.

It was hot and close and they were pressed together so tight Nick could feel every inch of Joe's body against his own. He wanted to move, to press a kiss to the inside of Joe's wrist, to his neck and face, and the feelings were so overwhelming they were a little frightening. He turned to the side and stared at Joe's face for a moment, scared of what this meant for the two of them.

"Please don't leave me," he whispered into the crook of Joe's neck.

He wanted to stop feeling like he was manipulating Joe into staying, into forcing his life back to fit with Nick. He didn't know how.

Joe was trembling under his hands and Nick felt guilt overwhelm his emotions. "I never tell you how much-" He swallowed, tried again. "I never tell you how much I need you. I love that you fight for me. I love that you come back, all the time. I love you, so much and I don't know how to stop feeling guilty."

"About what?"

"That all I want to do is kiss you. I wish I were strong enough," Nick said, serious. He tilted Joe's chin, forcing him to look him in the eye. "I wish I was strong enough to think of Dad as you do. I'm not.

Later that night, when Nick was back in his own bed and lying in the dark, he turned his head. He could just make out Joe's outline under the covers.

"Joe?"

"What Nick?" Joe answered quickly. He couldn't sleep either, then.

Nick paused, looking down. "I need him."

Joe shifted in the bed, the rustling loud in the silence of the room, and Nick could make out is face, sad and drawn. "No, Nick. He needs you. You just don't know how to see it."

"One day," Nick said. "Maybe one day I'll be able to."

It was a lie and they both knew it, but Joe would come back. He'd always come back.

He wanted to reach for Joe, to hold him again, but Joe wouldn't let him share the bed. Some part of him was still angry with Nick, wouldn't allow himself to bridge that last gap between them.

Nick scratched the back of his neck as he walked down the hallway towards his room. He heard a low murmuring of voices from his parents' room. Not wanting to eavesdrop, he picked up the pace until he caught the words, "Dear God-" just as he reached his room. He hesitated. His father was praying.

They prayed all the time, but Nick wondered what his father prayed for, who his father prayed for. Listening in on other people's prayers wasn't something Nick was in the habit of doing; it was an intrusion on something personal, but something tugged him forwards and he padded back to his parents' room and slid down to the floor. His father prayed for a good family life, for Nick to understand, for Kevin to stay good and strong.

For Joe to forgive him.

Nick's heart clenched. This was the reason he was torn. His father and Joe were more alike than they realised. Nick hated being stuck in the middle of two people he loved most in the world. How could he make Joe understand that their father wasn't trying to control or direct. He was doing things the only way that he knew how. He wanted to make his father understand that Joe hadn't wanted any of this; that he had sacrificed so much to make Nick happy.

His father was still praying, about his sons, about his family, about life and Nick forced himself to listen to every word. When his father was done and when he heard the bed rustle and his mums lo murmur, Nick bypassed his own room and pushed open the door to Kevin's.

"Nick?" He was surprised to see Kevin awake, propped up against his pillows and phone in his hand.

Nick swallowed. "I don't know what to do," he admitted slowly.

His voice came out low, cracked and Kevin sighed a little, motioning him forward. Nick sat on the edge of the bed, looking down at his hands. He hated being weak, hated that he was being put in this position. "I feel like I'm constantly in a tug of war."

"Joe and Dad?"

It shouldn't surprise him, but it did.

"Nick, I've said all I can on the subject. What you do has to be your decision, nobody else's."

Nick nodded slowly. He ran a hand through his hair and then dropped his head again. "Can I - Can I-"

"Stay here?"

Nick nodded and Kevin pulled back the covers in answer, letting Nick slide in. Nick faced the wall, back to Kevin, not knowing why he needed Kevin and not Joe right now, but he did. Kevin rested a hand on his back, moving in slow circles and soothing him. Closing his eyes, Nick laid his head on his arms and let Kevin's soft humming, soothing hands and general presence lull him into sleep.

It came quickly.

Joe knocked on Kevin's door and then pushed it open. "Hey, Kev, have you seen-"

He stopped upon seeing Nick curled up at Kevin's side, fast asleep and looking for all the world as though he were a normal teenage boy and not an international music star. Kevin was sitting in bed, reading a magazine and one hand on Nick's side, fingers splayed. It was an intimate moment, one Joe wasn't sure he should be intruding on, but Kevin was staring at him, eyes wide and dark. "Joe-"

"It's fine," Joe said and closed the door behind him.

"Joe-"

Joe looked up from his dinner and made a face. "Why didn't you come and find me?"

Nick frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"I could have helped you," Joe said, shaking his head and turned back to his food.

Realising what Joe was taking about, Nick sighed and rubbed a hand at his face. "Look, Joe, I get that you want to always be the one I go to, but I needed Kev, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," Joe said, and his tone told Nick in no uncertain terms that the conversation was over.

Elvis padded through the kitchen and butted his head against Joe's knee. He licked his hand and looked imploringly up at him.

"What?" Joe scratched the back of Elvis' head and sighed. "What's up with Nick, huh boy? Maybe he's talking to you. Not that you could tell me even if he did." Joe leant down and took Elvis' face in his hands and scratched his face up close. "I don't get what's wrong with him."

Pulling away, Joe continued to stroke Elvis until the dog grew bored and trotted away, back out into the garden. Joe stared after him and chewed on his bottom lip, suddenly realising where Nick would be.

Nick was curled up in the sidecar, asleep. Joe leant on the edge, watching him. He lifted a hand as if to touch Nick's face and then thought better of it, resting his hand on the lip of the car.

Soon, when Nick shifted awake and smiled slowly, Joe didn't smile back. "Do you love me enough to let me go?"

Nick blinked slowly and then frowned, his eyes closing off. Joe hated it when he did that. "What are you talking about?"

Joe sat back on his heels, meeting Nick's eyes easily. "You've spent months making me think... I'd do anything for you and sometimes..."

Nick swallowed. "You think I'm using you."

He didn't need to make it a question. Joe turned his face away, dragging his hand along his jaw and staring into the garage, to where Nick's Mustang was sitting unused in the back. It was new, something Nick had been craving but he hadn't been able to touch it until he'd got his permit; another one of their father's rules.

"I don't think," Joe said, voice hurt.

Nick could try and convince Joe it wasn't true but it would be another lie, another reason for Joe not to trust him. Nick was tired of playing his brother, tired of trying to be something he wasn't.

He'd told Kevin that he didn't know what he was doing but admitting that to Joe, that was going to be hard. He didn't like being anything but infallible in Joe's eyes and he'd been that way for so long he didn't know how to be anything different. "I'm trying," he said, the words sounding pathetic even to him. "I'm trying to fix this."

Joe turned to face him, finally, and swallowed, not saying anything.

"I know I've screwed up." He chose his words carefully. "I know that you - that you think I don't love you, or think that I won't ever stand up to dad on your behalf, and I've been trying to make you understand."

"You and dad fight over me like I'm something important, something special and I've been trying to tell you that I don't want that. I just want to be me and I can't do that when you and Dad are fighting over my future like it's not mine."

Joe flinched, like he'd been slapped but Nick didn't stop. It was as if gates had been opened and the words just flowed forwards, unbidden. "You think you're helping me but you're not. I know what Dad's doing, I'm not blind. I choose not to see it. I've got a record deal. I've got fans and a great life and I'm where I need to be." He paused. "Maybe Dad doesn't have my best interests at heart. Maybe you don't either."

Joe's head snapped up so fast Nick winced. "Nick-"

"No. I've listened to you shouting and calling me out for not standing up for you and now it's your turn to listen to me."

Nick felt ridiculous sitting in a sidecar and taking a hard tone, but he'd been wanting to say this for so long. He half expected Joe to stand up and storm out, but Joe would never do that, not even now when the link between them was so stretched it was almost broken. "I would give anything, anything to take back what I said in that stupid interview. To make everything you said go away and to have all the controversy just - not there. But I can't. I can't pretend that you didn't write Sidecar One for me. I can't pretend that you don't mean more to me than Miley, than Selena, than any girlfriend ever will. I also can't pretend that your interest in my well being is unselfish."

Joe said nothing, still, and Nick wasn't sure there was anything he could say.

"I'm sorry," Nick said, eventually. "I'm sorry about everything I've done to make you think you have to fight on my behalf and I'm sorry for everything that has happened between you and Dad over me, but I can't do this anymore, Joe. I can't."

Nodding, Joe curled a hand around Nick's wrist and held on. "I know," he said. "I'm - I'm sorry too, Nick, but you gotta - I need -"

Nick swallowed hard and brought their foreheads together. "I love you. I love you but please, please stop fighting for me. Be yourself, Joe, stop trying to be what you think I want you to be."

They fell asleep that way, Joe straddling the motorcycle and Nick twisted in the sidecar, both of them hanging on to the other, desperate and needy even in sleep.

The Saturday they were scheduled for an intimate show in New York, Nick decided to change up the playlist. They were supposed to play Paranoid, promoting the new album, but Nick nodded silently to Garbo and JT and the beat that played wasn't the one for Paranoid; it was for something completely different.

Joe and Kevin froze, recognising the song even as the crowd rippled with uncertainty. Nick didn't dare look into the wings for his mother and father, just started to sing and before he knew what was happening, Joe and Kevin were in full flow and the crowd was greeted to a rendition of Sidecar One. By the last refrain, the whole crowd was singing along.

The best thing about the performance was the smile on Joe' s face as he worked up the crowd and more than twice he played in Nick's space, grinning at him with his eyes alight in a way they hadn't been since before all the promotion started.

"I love you," Joe mouthed across stage as they ended the song and from the small scream erupting at the front of the stage more than one person saw him do it.

Nick didn't care.

"What were you thinking?" Their dad was already shouting, even before he entered the dressing room. He was looking straight at Joe. Their mom came up behind him and she looked torn between being angry and sympathetic. Nick hadn't bothered to think about how she must feel, trapped between the five of them in this fight for a control none of them really felt.

"This was my idea, Dad," Nick said, standing up.

Their dad pinched the bridge of his nose and their mom looked like everything she had built these years was slipping through her fingers., Nick didn't think it was fair to be treated like this, like the only hope this family had of actually meaning something. Hadn't their father always told them live at the top like you're at the bottom? They had everything right now but Nick knew better than most that it didn't always last. A change of luck would be swift and deal a harsh blow and Nick was only trying to make the best of it whilst he could. His parents had always been grateful for what they received; right now Nick didn't care if he'd made a mistake in singing Sidecar One. It had been well received by the fans and Joe had smiled at him like he was the greatest thing he'd ever been given and it's all that mattered.

"It was just a song," Joe said, rising to Nick's defence, again, and Nick turned his head a little, grateful. It felt good to have Joe on his side again, after all they'd been through.

Their dad threw up his hands. "Just one song has repercussions, Joseph."

"Not on an unofficial capacity," Kevin chimed in, looking uncertain. Their dad looked surprised to hear Kevin speak up on his brother's behalf. Usually he kept silent, non-committal. "We performed Move On without any repercussions."

"The fans even liked it," Nick said. He tilted his chin in defiance knowing that this, this he could do for Joe. "There's nothing to say they won't like this one."

Their mom stepped in before their dad could. "I think your father's point, Nicholas, is that we usually discuss things like this. We don't like you to ad-lib lyrics."

Except this wasn't just lyrics, this was a whole song. "No," Nick said. "This is about wanting to control everything."

The whole room fell silent. Nick stared at his father, knowing he had to this now. "I don't think he means to do it or that he's hurting us by not trusting that we know what we're doing, but it's how we feel."

He said we and half expected Joe and Kevin to disagree, but Kevin nodded and Joe looked the same as he always did: in complete agreement with Nick.

Their father said nothing, just stared at each of them in turn and then left the room.

"Boys," their mom said, and then she looked really looked. "You're all so grown up."

She said it as if seeing it for the first time. She pulled Nick close and kissed his cheek, doing the same to Joe and Kevin and then leaving the room.

The three of them stood in uncomfortable silence until Joe looped an arm around Nick's neck and then Kevin's. "I don't deserve you guys."

Nick looked at Kevin who grinned and then bumped temples with Joe. "Yeah, Joe," Kevin said, "You do."

"He's right," Nick added, slipping his hand into the back pocket of Joe's jeans and brushing a kiss to his temple, intimate in only a way he could be, alone with his two brothers. "If any one does, it's you."

.the end</center

[fic] sidecar one } nick/joe } adult } long!fic [PART ONE]

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 21:09:14 GMT

SO MAYBE THIS FIC HAS BEEN YEARS IN COMING. AND NOW I AM POSTING IT.

.sidecar one [part one]
[nick/joe. (a little nick/kevin). adult. 15,327 words. from joe's birthday to present day-ish. enjoy :)]
"Nah," Joe said and Nick clenched the arm of the Green room sofa. Joe, don't. "It's actually a song I wrote about Nick."

notes; ugh. papa j comes with a warning in this fic, kids. enter at your own risk :D

thanks to th_esaurus for her wonderful beta and for kicking this into shape when all i really wanted to do with it was throw it away and never look at it again. thank you.

for blackwayfarers who has been waiting too long for this fic. i hope it lives up to all expectations :)

.sidecar one

They were due to play the Darien Center, New York on Joe's birthday.

For someone turning nineteen, he was acting worse than Frankie. He spent the whole morning bugging Nick and Kevin about their presents and after getting the brush off twice, sulked in the back of the van until Kevin handed him a neatly wrapped parcel. He didn't open it, though, just tucked it into his pocket, thanking Kevin and looking at Nick pointedly.

Nick ignored him.

The Darien Center was huge, stretching out far into the distance. Nick loved venues like this, large enough to house as many of their fans as possible. Everybody was busy, the stage full of people and instruments. Sound check usually lasted the whole day; sometimes they invited fans, sometimes they didn't. Nick was sat on the edge of the stage, legs dangling over the edge as he tapped his knee to the tune of When You Look Me In The Eyes. It was an almost subconscious movement.

"Nick?"

Joe dropped down next to him, nudging his knee. "What did you get me for my birthday?"

He looked eager, almost pathetically so, but Nick just shrugged. "Joe," Nick started, sighing. "I haven't got you anything."

There was a split second when Joe looked hurt and confused, but then he snorted. "Right. Like you would forget."

"I didn't forget. I just said I didn't get you anything," Nick pointed out.

Joe opened his mouth and then closed it again. "Nick," he whined, finally.

Punching his brother's shoulder hard, Nick climbed to his feet. "Happy Birthday, Joseph."

Whenever they had a show to put on, it would take Nick a while to get into his headspace, to be in a position where he was ready for the show ahead of him. Once he was there, nothing would stop him from making this show amazing, the best they could do. It was hard, though, with Joe spending the whole day nagging him about his present. Birthday or no birthday, Nick was going to kill him if he didn't shut up. They already had a hectic schedule and even if Nick felt, somewhere, that it was unfair to make Joe work on his birthday, they had a job to do and they were going to do it.

The fourth time Joe approached him, Nick didn't even bother to wait for him. He walked in the opposite direction, finding something to do well away from Joe.

"I know you got me something," Joe said, eyeing Nick critically as he sat at the piano, fine tuning the melody.

"Sure, Joe."

"When did I have time to buy you anything?" Nick snapped finally, checking over his guitar.

"Dude, you've checked your guitar a hundred times." Nick glanced up sharply and Joe held up his hands. "Fine, but I'll find out. You know I will."

Gritting his teeth, Nick stood up and placed the guitar back in its place. "There is nothing to find out."

"Kevin, if you got me a present, how come Nick hasn't?"

Kevin was standing at the edge of the stage, looking out over the empty space that would soon house thousands of fans. "I don't know, Joe, why don't you ask him?"

"I have." Joe looked sad and tucked his hands in his pockets. "He said he forgot and didn't have time."

"Maybe he's lying."

They both paused and Joe raised an eyebrow. "Nick?"

Kevin shrugged and crossed his arms. He didn't know what Nick had done for Joe's birthday, he never knew what Nick was going to do until it was done, only that if there was one person who wouldn't forget, it'd be Nick. Although they had forgotten his birthday (although he never let that drop, it still hurt), it would never happen to Joe. Nick would never let it. "Maybe he's waiting till there's nobody else around."

Joe snorted. "Yeah, right. Nick loves to put on a display. He's just more subtle about it."

Joe wandered away and Kevin rolled his eyes. "Right, Joe."

"Garbo said you forgot," Joe said, looking thoughtful.

Nick rolled his eyes, finally easing into the pre-concert calm and looked once more at the setlist. "Garbo's probably right."

Joe slid down onto the sofa beside Nick and turned his head a little. "Kevin bought me something," he hedged, "and everyone else bought me something. Even Frankie gave me something, and he always forgets." He paused and looked at Nick sideways. "So... did you get me something?"

"No."

Joe looked like he actually believed him, disappointment and hurt evident on his face and it made something in Nick start. He sighed and patted Joe's knee, leaving his hand there. "After the show, Joe."

They were so on during the concert that Joe almost forgot about his present.

Nick and Kevin started singing Happy Birthday half way through the show and Joe stood center stage, feeling like the most important person in the world when the fans chimed in, thousands of voices singing just for him. After the show, with Nick's fingers splayed at the base of his spine, leading him down the corridor and out the back, Joe felt the apprehension settle in his stomach.

That's when he knew he was the most important person in Nick's world.

Joe stared at the bright red motorcycle sitting on the forecourt. "Nick," he said, breathless.

He didn't know what to say. Nick paid attention to everything and Joe knew that, but it was still a shock. He had been mentioning the motorcycle for years and Nick bought it for him out of the blue, for no other reason than he could, now, because they had the money to do so. He reached out a hand, running his fingers over the smooth seat, eyes wide.

That Nick could give Joe the one thing that he wanted most in the world, knowing Joe had resigned himself to the fact that it would be nothing more than a passing fancy, was worth more than all the money in the world. All the fame. More than anything.

It was a vintage Harley and Joe stepped forward, to touch it. He let out a breath he hadn't even realised he'd been holding. "You bought me a motorcycle," he said, awed. It was red and shiny, silver linging down the side and a glint the belied hours polishing it's surface. The best thing about the motorcycle, though, was the sidecar. His bike had a sidecar. "We could go out together, Nick, riding the freeway, wind in our hair."

He turned to where Nick was standing on the sidewalk, hands in his pockets. He threw his hands out in a gesture of scale and Nick rolled his eyes, grinning. As the rest of the family and band came out onto the tarmac, there were collective gasps and murmurs at the motorcycle on display.

Nick came to stand next to him, throwing an arm around his neck. "Do you like it?"

Joe rolled his eyes. "No, I hate it."

"Nicholas." Their dad put a hand on Nick's shoulder and Nick tensed against Joe. Pulling Nick away from the crowd, their dad looked back at Joe only once.

Lifting his hand from the motorcycle, Joe frowned and watched them go. Kevin stepped forward and started talking to him about the cycle and Joe forced himself to pay attention, to ignore their dad talking to Nick, disapproving.

"The last thing Joseph needs right now is a motorcycle. I'm disappointed in you, Nicholas." He was deliberately doing it out of earshot of Joe and Nick knew it. Joe wouldn't stand for this happening on his birthday and Nick didn't want to be the cause of any tension.

He nodded slowly. "Sorry," he said, not at all.

"It says Danger!" Joe yelled, pointing at the plaque on the back of the bike that Nick had made specially. His lips twitched into a smile and it didn't fade even under his father's displeasure and disappointment.

"Have you been planning this?"

Nick shrugged lightly, but with enough respect that his father couldn't fault him for it. "I didn't buy anything with my allowance. Garbo and John helped me get it here." It was the wrong thing to say and Nick made a mental note to warn them both later. "They didn't entice me into it, Dad, it was my idea. I wanted to do it for Joe."

Still looking angry and not a little displeased, his father nodded. "Fine. Go."

Without waiting for further prompting, Nick jogged back over to where Joe was now sliding into the sidecar.

Kevin was never going to ride the motorcycle. It was hazardous and dangerous and he was going to err on the side of caution. When he said so, Nick looked at him, thoughtful. If anybody was going to read through it, it was Nick. He would know it was really because Kevin didn't believe he was allowed.

There were unspoken rules amongst the four of them and the most important was Joe's things were Joe's things and the only one allowed to touch them was Joe. Nick was a part of Joe, so Nick was allowed to touch them to. Kevin and Frankie were not. Even though Joe and Kevin had recently been spending more time together, trying to bridge the gap that neither of them had even realized existed, Kevin still knew the cycle was off limits unless Joe stated otherwise.

Kevin crossed his arms, watching them, and could see Nick watching him. He would know the look in Kevin's eyes as he watched them.

Envy. Resignation. Love.

"Wanna ride, Kevin?" Joe had his helmet on his head, tilted on one side and straps hanging down by his ears.

Kevin shook his head a little. "I want to get home in one piece, though it's nice you thought of me for once," he said, digging a little.

He softened the jibe with a smile, letting them know he didn't really mean it. The only thing on Kevin's mind, though, was how comfortable (and ridiculous) Nick looked in the sidecar. He didn't wear that smile often and Kevin didn't want to have to be the reason that he lost it. He was cool with staying behind.

When their father pushed the contract across the table, Nick peered at it over Joe's shoulder. Joe's back straightened almost instantly, face hard as he looked at his father. He was pissed and Nick could feel his own nails digging into his palms.

"This is a total dick move, Dad," Joe snapped.

Their dad looked furious but Joe and Nick were angry too. Though Nick didn't approve of Joe's language, he wasn't above voicing his own displeasure. "You added a clause to our contract banning us from using the motorcycle?"

"Banning Joseph." Their Dad met Nick's gaze easily over the top of the table but Nick's jaw was set and he squeezed Joe's shoulder with his free hand. He was so used to thinking of himself in the plural (JoeandNick or NickandKevin or JoeNickandKevin) that it was sometimes hard to imagine they each had separate contracts, separate lives. "Fine," he acquiesced. "Still, that's not fair."

After the initial shock, the meeting went as well as could be expected. The Disney executives looked uncomfortable but Joe wasn't making it easy for them or their father. He took time reading the contract even though the only new content was the ban on riding the motorcycle. His father's eyes were growing darker with every minute but Nick couldn't blame Joe. His hand was shaking the entire time, even as he was signing his name and, when he was done, he threw both contract and pen across the table and left the room without another word. Nick barely glanced at his father as he followed suit.

The car was almost uncomfortable on the ride home. Their father was riding in the front, still angry, and Joe was staring out of the window, chin on his hand.

"Joe?" He kept his voice low, even though he knew from experience their father wouldn't hear them if he didn't want to. Right now, Nick was sure that their father wanted to be wherever they weren't.

Joe turned slightly.

"Dad shouldn't have done that."

It took a while, but then Joe sighed, dropping his hands to his lap. "I don't get it, Nick," he said, his own voice quiet even though Nick had a feeling that was more to do with disappointment than not wanting their father to overhear. "Why put it into my contract? It's not like he was ever going to let me ride it anyway."

Nick didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure even he could defend his father this time. He was still a little sore over the situation himself, mostly because their father hadn't even asked before putting it in there anyway. He always asked.

"Sometimes I think that he doesn't--"

"Doesn't what, Joe?" Nick asked, when Joe didn't continue.

Joe just shook his head, looking back out of the window, indicating that the conversation was over.

Nick could read what he was saying and could see it in Joe's eyes when he spoke about their father; Joe was losing faith that their father only had their best interests at heart.

When they reached the house, Joe went straight upstairs and locked himself in his bedroom and wouldn't come down, even when their Mom begged him to.

Their dad was walking around the house, face like thunder and when he finally snapped at Nick, Nick frowned.

"This isn't just about 'sticking up for Joseph,' Dad. This is about ruining Joe's birthday present. It's about the one thing he has ever asked for and that you've taken from him."

Nick would never usually speak to his father this way, not ever, but something about Joe's face when he had seen the contract was still burned into Nick's mind and left a bad taste in his mouth. Nick had saved for months to pay for the motorcycle. His money was still controlled by his parents and his allowance had been meticulously saved until he had enough money to buy the exact motorcycle he once had Joe pick out, just for interest's sake. The fact that all that money would go to waste now that the new contract was in place only made the situation more frustrating. Nick wasn't like Joe; he believed that their father cared, that he only wanted what was best for them and for the family -- but that didn't mean he liked every decision that his parents made.

His father just looked exasperated and tired of fighting so Nick wasn't surprised when his Mother calmly informed him to go upstairs and stay in his room until he was ready to apologise.

Nick turned on his heel and took the stairs two at a time, hesitating outside of Joe's door once, and then going further down the hall to his own.

Nick was sitting at the kitchen table, pages of lyrics and music strewn about the wooden surface. His laptop was running a new song and the back door was open, the Texas heat too much to sit out in. That didn't stop Joe from playing in the pool, yelling and hollering like he was twelve instead of nineteen. Nick watched him for a moment, splashing in the pool and seeing how long it took before Kevin threw a flip-flop at his head. Shaking his head and grinning, Nick turned back to his lyrics, catching sight of a yellow post-it stuck to the top of one of the lyrics pages. A CD was just sitting on top of it and Nick frowned. He hadn't put that there.

Nick J, a song just for you :)

With only a small amount of trepidation, Nick put the CD into the laptop and autoran the song, pulling his bottom lip into his mouth with his teeth. Joe was notoriously bad at mixing the music and lyrics himself; he usually contributed to both, but Kevin and Nick had learnt long ago not to trust Joe to do a whole song unsupervised.

The steady monotonous beat had Nick rolling his eyes and then the singing kicked in and Nick actually laughed. The song - and the lyrics - were bad, really bad, but Joe gave it enough enthusiasm and work that Nick had to see it through to the end. When he was done, he clicked the song closed and sat back in his chair.

"We can't put it on the album, Joe," he said, feeling the presence of his brother behind him. Looking over at the doorway, Joe was slouching on the patio, hair wet and plastered to his forehead and dripping wet.

He grinned but Nick could see the disappointment he thought he was hiding. "I know that." He came into the kitchen and stood behind Nick's chair, hands on the back. Nick was wary enough that he did nothing to entice Joe forward. He did not want to get wet. He started singing and dropped his chin onto the top of Nick's head. "You're my Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiidecar Onnnnnnnnne, always by my siiiiiiiiiiiiiide."

"Joe," Nick whined, trying to duck forwards and away from Joe. Joe grabbed his shoulders.

"Ride with me, stay with me, driving ever onwaaaaaards."

Joe wrapped around Nick's torso, his wet body soaking the back of Nick's t-shirt.

"Joe!"

"Joe, get off of your brother and get a towel," their mother said, coming into the kitchen. "You're dripping all over the floor."

Stepping back, Joe ruffled Nick's hair.

"Thanks Mom," Nick said, grateful. He could feel his shirt already clinging to his back.

Joe snorted, laughing, and walked back out to the pool, ready to annoy Kevin again. Nick watched him go and then turned back to his lyrics. The beat for World War Three wasn't working well with the lyrics but Nick was loathe to toss out the crafted music completely. The tune was catchy if nothing else and maybe he could work it with something else.

Joe had written out the lyrics to Sidecar One on the back of their Burning Up tour setlist and Nick traced the lyrics with his finger. He could probably fix them up a bit, with a little effort. As he traced them he hummed the tune to World War Three, brows drawing down as he thought about mixing the two.

"Don't get too involved, honey." His Mom tapped him on the shoulder. "Dinner is soon and I don't want you so engrossed you don't eat."

Nick nodded, used to the constant concern but gave her a smile when she didn't look encouraged. "I'm sure Joe will interrupt me before then, Mom," he said and whilst she didn't look wholly convinced, left him to his music.

The next afternoon, Joe was battling Kevin at Call of Duty and losing badly when Nick dropped down onto the sofa next to him. "Want to hear a new song?"

"Nick," Joe bit out, forcing the control left in the thin hope that his man would take heart from the movement and go left himself, "If you make me listen to Don't Charge Me one more time, I'm going to go and get arrested on principle."

Nick's mouth thinned into a line. Don't Charge Me was going to work, it wasn't his fault that none of them could pull off rapping very well, for all that Kevin tried. "No, Joe, this is different."

Sighing and throwing down his controller in defeat, Joe turned to him. "Fine, let's hear it."

"That's a cop out," Kevin whined, staring at the two of them.

Walking over to the entertainment system, Nick shook his head. "You can destroy him later, Kevin." He pushed the CD into the holder and started to play the song.

"Isn't this the World War Three song?" Kevin fiddled with the edge of the sofa and Nick nodded

"The old one, yeah."

"You changed it?"

Joe hit Kevin lightly on the arm. "Listen to the song, Kev."

When Nick's voice started in over the music, Joe paled and jerked his head up. "Nick, this is Sidecar One."

"What's Sidecar One?" Kevin looked between the two of them confused and Nick could see the little frown between his eyes, the one that told Nick often that Joe and Nick were doing that thing again. The one he wasn't a part of and desperately wanted to be. It was the frown that always made Nick uncomfortable, though never enough that he stopped it.

"Joe wrote it. About his motorcycle."

Joe's head was lowered, fingers pressed to his mouth as he listened to the song. The new lyrics weren't changed enough that was noticeable, but enough to make the song actually singable. "Why did you do it?" His voice was low and curious. Kevin looked interested as well, taping his foot to the beat almost unconsciously.

"I don't know," he admitted slowly, "I just had a song I couldn't use."

"The album's not even finished," Joe pointed out. "You never work on something new like this."

Nick stopped the CD and shrugged, nonchalant. "I just wanted to do it."

They stayed in silence for a few minutes and then Kevin leant back in the sofa, his hand on the arm. "Play it again."

Promotion for Lines, Vines and Trying Times went by in a whirlwind of publicity, TV, radio and rag alike. It was all Nick could do to catch sleep whenever there was a break. By the time they touched down in LA, he was almost running on empty, face pale and sallow from lack of sleep and not enough attention paid to his diabetes. He had fallen asleep on the plane somewhere over Ohio and Joe looked over, touching his knee. "Nick?"

His voice came out gravelly from lack of sleep, but he leant in close, ghosting his lips over the skin of Nick's neck. "We've landed."

Nick came awake slowly and blinked in the low light of the aircraft. "What time is it?"

"Two-thirty," their dad said as he passed. "We've got a couple of hours before you're due at the studio."

Nick looked at Joe, wiping all the traces of sleep from his face. "Studio? I thought it was with radio Disney?"

"Joseph's doing that. Kevin's staying at the hotel. Disney Executives are calling this afternoon for discussion about Sidecar One." Their Dad's mouth tightened on the last two words, and Nick knew how he felt. He didn't want Sidecar One on the playlist for L, V & TT this late in production, but he didn't have a choice. He had been sure Kevin would back their dad up, but he'd sided with Nick and Joe and their dad had had no choice. Nick felt bad about strong-arming him into the situation, but this song meant a lot to Joe and Nick knew he wouldn't take no for an answer; neither would they.

He didn't like being separated from his brothers but when he said so, his father had that look on his face. He'd backed down once, on the Sidecar One situation, but Nick knew that this argument was useless; they would be separated. When their father had made his way to the back of the aircraft, where their mother and Frankie were curled up on the bed, Joe rested his head on Nick's shoulder. "I don't like this."

Nick nodded but didn't say anything. Across the aisle, Kevin was still coming awake, rubbing his eyes, free hand curled around his phone. Nick could see the message indicator and knew they would all be from Danielle. He turned away and looked out of the window, down at the tarmac.

"What am I supposed to say?" Joe's eyes were peering at him through the glass. Nick's lips curled into a smile and he shrugged, jarring Joe's jaw.

Kevin piped up from across the plane. "Talk about anything," he said. "Just don't screw it up."

Nick wasn't used to doing interviews alone. His Mom shot him a thumbs-up from off stage and Frankie was watching him intently but it didn't stop him from feeling closed in, as though the stage were far too big and the host's eyes too cold. She was talking, asking questions and Nick knew he was taking too long in answering, waiting for Kevin to talk over him, or for Joe to come in with a joke or jibe, prompting Nick to laugh at him.

He blinked and ran a hand over his face. "Sorry," he said, frustrated with himself. He was supposed to be better than this. The emptiness to right and left was hanging over them and it was suffocating not to have the reassuring press of Joe's thigh to his or the weight of Kevin's eyes upon him.

"It's no problem," The host smiled smoothly and crossed her legs again. She was wearing a cream jacket and skirt ensemble and her pink blouse was designed to bring too much attention. Nick sat back in his seat as she smiled. "I know you get tired of answering questions on your love life, but it inevitably has to come up at some point."

"Does it?" Nick asked, voice hard but he still had a smile on his face. His fingers clenched against his jeans but he didn't say anything else; he had enough manners to retain some sense of composure, even at unwelcome questions.

Ignoring his question, the host tucked a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "Are there any prospects on the horizon? Any lucky girls your fans should know about?"

"Not at the moment." Nick kept his tone even but that didn't stop the host from completely ignoring all the hints she was given and leaning forward slightly, pretending to look interested.

"Nothing at all?"

"We're promoting our new album and we have a World Tour which is just getting started and finding time to fit a personal life around that would be really hard," Nick finally bit out.

He caught his mother's expression out of the corner of his eye and she was angry, turning to Rob beside her and whispering something in his ear. Nick felt the absence of Joe and Kevin more keenly as the host turned her attention to the audience. "There you have it ladies, your favourite Jonas is still single."

Nick's eye twitched a little and he forced himself to keep smiling. He would have been lucky if a third of the audience even knew who he was, let alone be their favourite Jonas, but he was sure the host had a script to follow, as distasteful as it may have been to sit through it.

"Perhaps we shouldn't rule out a reunion with Miley Cyrus?" She threw in at the end, maybe just to get a rise out of him.

"We're just friends." Nick was getting tired of this and wondered why his father chose this TV talk show to promote their album; it didn't fit their demographic and he was starting to feel uncomfortable with the split, not used to taking it all alone. "I'm happy with how things are right now. And I have Joe."

The host perked up at the last and almost instantly Nick tried to backtrack. "I meant, Joe understands me like girls can't, I mean, I love girls but Joe understands me, you know?"

His attempt at damage control was completely useless and Nick was sure his words would be all over the internet within a half hour. He sat through the rest of the interview eager to be anywhere else and when the host finally smiled and told the camera they would be right back, he hurried to shake her hand, smiling and thanking her. She let go before he could and nodded her head, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. "It was a pleasure, Nick."

The use of his name grated on his nerves but he ignored it and turned to his mother. "Mom, I'm sorry," he started, and then felt his phone vibrate in his pocket.

"It's Kevin, honey," she said, distracted as she looked at her own phone and Nick suspected that his father was talking to her.

Nick looked at his phone and flicked it on. "Yeah?"

"No luck on the Sidecar One front," Kevin said, and Nick could hear his disappointment. He wasn't surprised but that didn't mean it still wasn't a blow. "You might want to turn on the radio, if you're near one. Apparently Joe isn't sticking to the script."

Kevin sounded almost amused but Nick knew that if Joe screwed up like Nick had then their father would have every reason to be more than furious when they met up back at the airport.

In the green room, he found a radio with the help of one of the tech guys and with Rob framing the doorway, he flicked to the station Kevin sent him via text.

"-- Apparently rumours of a new song being put on your new album?"

There was a pause and then Joe made a noise. "The album is already in post-production so it was never going to be on this one," Joe said and Nick knew Kevin must have texted him the news before he told Nick. "We're not saying it won't ever get released, but it was a fun song we wrote just because we wanted to."

"Any chance of knowing the title? What it's about?"

Joe laughed a little and Nick almost prayed that Joe didn't finish what he was saying. "It's called Sidecar One and it's about someone being by your side and having your back and just being a good friend or whatever."

It's a vague, good answer and Nick let out a breath, relieved.

"A girl, then?"

"Nah," Joe said and Nick clenched the arm of the Green room sofa. Joe, don't. "It's actually a song I wrote about Nick."

Nick sucked in a breath and even Rob raised an eyebrow. Oh no. Nick could almost picture his father's expression.

"They didn't want Sidecar One on the album. It doesn't fit with the rest of the songs, Joe."

Joe blinked and just nodded, sure that his father wasn't just angry about the song.

"You can't always get what you want."

Glaring hard at his father, Joe just shook his head and climbed into the back of the car. "I know that," he muttered, "you never let me forget it."

The door slammed on his words. He was clenching his fists so hard he was sure he was bleeding.

"Joe-"

Joe turned to glare at Nick, who had pointedly said nothing during the whole exchange. "You're welcome," he said, sarcastic.

Joe was used to standing up to his father, to being the only one who didn't back down against his wants, his decisions. He wasn't going to let his father shape him into something he didn't want to be; he was going to fight every step of the way and he was going to be his own person. All the while he felt himself slipping further away from Nick and Kevin and it hurt, a dull ache under his skin that he wanted to scratch away, destroy, but couldn't. He set his jaw and stood up to his father who forced him back, got in his space, told him how he felt. He shouted and yelled but never raised his hand -- at least not until now. It only took the one and there was a resounding silence in the room. Joe's back was straight and hard and schooled his face carefully, even as it ached from the slap. Joe didn't know what to do. His Mom started shouting, something hard and angry but he didn't know who she was angry at. Nick was standing in the doorway and he'd seen everything, face slack and impassive.

His father's face fell, sad, but Joe thought it had more to do with Nick's expression than the fact that he'd hurt Joe.

"Dad," Nick said, voice hard. He couldn't look Joe in the eye, couldn't look at Joe at all, and Joe stalked out of the room, angry.

Nick stared at his father, wondering what to say. He could still feel the brush of Joe's arm against his as Joe stormed out of the room and it felt like ice was running through his veins. "Dad," he said, slow. His father's face was pinched and his Mom looked angry, angrier than he'd ever seen her. She was refusing to look at his father and Nick felt uncomfortable, as though he was walking through fire and didn't know how to get out of it. Joe just didn't know when to quit, when to back down from their Father. He knew the right buttons to press, the right things to say to make their dad furious, a step away from what he had done tonight. If he'd only backed down, if he'd only kept quiet for once. Joe's eyes burned, always, with want for the relationship Nick had with their father, and Nick didn't know how to make it okay.

Dinner was uncomfortable.

Joe refused to come down to eat and everyone sat in silence, the tension between their parents obvious. Nick pushed at the food on his plate, not eating. The slap still echoed in his ears and his fingers clenched around the fork almost unconsciously. His father -- none of them had ever been hit. Their parents didn't believe in smacking or violence, knowing that it solved nothing. Nick had been trying to justify his father's actions since the early afternoon and wasn't able to. He wanted nothing more than to believe that his father was in the right in slapping Joe, but he knew with every fiber of his being that it wasn't. He was not ready to side with Joe either, though. Things were uncomfortable between them and he was still angry about the things Joe said on the radio.

By the time dinner was over and Nick excused himself, unable to stand the mood of the room, Nick made a conscious decision to not think about it. It happened and he couldn't change it but he couldn't make sense of it, either. He'd been ignoring things that didn't make sense for years; he'd just have to get used to not thinking about this one.

Nothing good could come from dwelling on the reasons and excuses for both sides.

Not even the bruise on Joe's face changed Nick's mind. It just made him more resolute not to think about it, even as he itched to touch the bruise, to make Joe feel better and to punch whoever had done it.

The conflict of interest wasn't worth the pain it would cause.

Joe's eyes followed him as he paced the room and Nick could feel the anger behind the gaze, the resentment burning in a place that Joe would never admit to having. Nick was everything to Joe and Nick knew that, he did, but their father - their father was different.

"I covered for you," Joe said, anger lacing his tone. Nick covered his wince well and turned to face him. He tilted his chin, defiant, even when he wanted to apologize and beg forgiveness for this weakness. A weakness to want their father to be proud of him when all he should want - need - is Joe.

"I know," Nick said, slowly. He didn't know what to do, how to make this right. "I just need Dad to --"

"You need Dad to validate you, Nicky? You're better than that." Joe snapped the words, his eyes dark and Nick wasn't used to this. Joe didn't get mad at him. He got angry, sure, and he would take it out on everyone and everything else, but never Nick.

"You might be ready to let Dad go." Nick said, slowly. "But I'm not." He caught hold of the frustration and turned it into something more, into an anger that manifested itself into words, into thoughts that he couldn't stop. It was like a barrier against the tide, ineffective and the fallout was devastating. "I still care about what Dad thinks."

Joe was across the room before Nick could blink and he had Nick pressed against the wall, arm under his chin and Nick couldn't fight the flinch. Joe's eyes held something Nick didn't even know how to begin to describe but he lifted his hands to Joe's chest, attempting to push him away. Joe didn't budge.

"Don't you ever say that again," Joe said, voice low and dangerous. Nick had crossed a line and he knew it. "What I do for you, what i give up for you, does not give you the right to say that I don't care. I fight Dad because he controls everything you do, everything you are. I fight Dad for that one thing that means you can be what you have to be, what you are. You're worth a hundred of him, Nick, but I still care about what he thinks, I care about him." Joe was looking at him, now, in a mix of hurt and betrayal, as though Nick was not the person he thought he was. It made Nick feel sick.

"How much I care for you? What I would do for you? Dad doesn't even come close."

Nick wanted to beg him to take it back, to say that he was lying, but Joe's eyes never lied. His mouth never lied. Not to Nick. "Don't," he whispered.

He was still pinned against the wall and was suddenly acutely aware of Joe pressed against him. He swallowed and watched Joe's gaze flick from his face to his mouth.

Joe blinked slow, as if moving through mud, and then leant forward, crushing his lips to Nick's. Nick didn't have time to move, to think before he was kissing back, clutching at Joe's clothes and desperate for any part of Joe he could get his hands on. There were no thoughts about this being wrong, about it being forbidden and illegal. All that Nick knew was that he wasn't close enough to Joe; that there was still so much between them and he bit at the skin on Joe's neck, pulling with his teeth.

Inexperienced and sloppy, it took the two a long time to get their clothes off, too desperate to have any finesse, but by the time they tumbled backwards onto the bed, Nick's jeans were half way down his legs and Joe's shirt was tossed carelessly onto the floor. "Nick," Joe ground out, kissing his face, neck, throat, and straddling Nick's hips in a swift movement. Pinning Nick's hands above his head, Joe kissed him full on the lips, hard and crushing, and Nick groaned into his mouth, hips bucking almost of their own accord. He ground up against Joe's pelvis and Joe shuddered, letting go of Nick to press against the bed, to steady himself.

Nick's eyes were dark and blown, his hand twisted in the leg of Joe's jeans. His lips were red and bruised, face flushed and it was the best thing Joe has ever seen. He wanted more, he needed Nick, had to have him. He rucked Nick's shirt up, hands on his belly and Nick trembled under the ministrations, noises coming out of his mouth that were a heady feeling for Joe and he leant down and kissed the jut of Nick's hip, fingers sliding against the waistband of Nick's boxers.

"Joe," Nick said, voice low and desperate but with enough of an edge to make it a question.

Joe looked back up at him. "It's alright Nick, I've got you."

He did. In hand, in body, in mind. He had Nick with every inch of him and Nick had him.

Nick looked wanton and pliable beneath him and Joe took full advantage; inexperienced he may have been but with Nick making all the right noises beneath him and bucking his hips into Joe's hand, it wasn't long before Nick was clutching at the blankets, twisting them in his fingers and begging Joe to end it, to finish it. Joe was rutting against the corner of the bed, knowing Nick would be in position to help him out, and just the sight of Nick fumbling towards orgasm, Joe's name on his lips, had them both coming within seconds of each other, Nick with a low whine and Joe with Nick's name.

Nick's nerves were still on fire, everything sensitive to the touch, and the kiss to his ear, to his face was almost too much. Still, he curled a hand around the back of Joe's neck just to feel. He knew he owed Joe an apology and it almost fell off of his tongue, effortlessly. He stopped it, held it in and kept it close. Joe didn't need to hear it, shouldn't need to hear it. When he rolled over, face pressed into Joe's shoulder, he closed his eyes. "What I said in the interview, about you being - about not-"

"I get it, Nicky," Joe said, low and soft. "I get it, but you gotta let me do this. Dad and me aren't ever going to be like Dad and you, okay? We've got things that mean we can't. You're the best thing that happened to the both of us but I - I just want you to be happy and maybe you can't be that way while -"

Nick cut him off, pressing his fingers to Joe's lips. "Please," Nick said, voice heavy. He couldn't hear this from Joe, not now. "I think about it," he admitted, carefully. "Sometimes. I wonder what it would be like but I love Dad, Joe. I can't just be like you."

Nick knew they were always going to be fighting about this and he didn't know how to appease Joe. He could lie, he could tell Joe that one day maybe he'd rebel against it, but he knew he wouldn't. He would do what he had to to make music and if that meant he had to follow his father, then he didn't know what else he could do.

Joe deserved the truth but Nick couldn't tell him. He couldn't say your fights are for nothing or that every time he fought with their Dad, Nick hated him just a little bit for not trusting that Nick knew what he was doing, that he could fight his own battles. At the same time, Nick needed Joe like he'd never needed anyone. He needed him to bat for Nick against their Dad and it was so confusing that Nick just wanted to scream or run away.

Joe sighed and pulled away from Nick. Resisting the urge to follow, Nick stayed where he was, hands clenching around the blankets. His side felt cold. "Will you ever back me up?"

Nick didn't know how to answer.

"Nick?"

"Joe, that's not fair."

"I deserve better than that," Joe said. He climbed out of the bed and started to pace the carpeted floor. "I listen to what you and Dad do to us, to the Jonas Brothers, and I fight with Dad, but I always back down. I let you do what you want because it's you."

Nick knew that he took advantage of Joe sometimes, of Kevin, but Joe had never thrown it in his face. He thought maybe this had been coming for a long time, that Joe had been fighting the urge to say all of this, and he hated himself a little bit more. "Do you - Joe, look, I know that sometimes you wish you had-"

"I'm not jealous!" Joe yelled, the words loud in the quiet of the night, and it was as though he knew what Nick had been going to say. Nick flinched. "He hit me, Nick, and you're still going to defend him?"

"Why does everything have to be about Dad?" Nick demanded, face pinched and angry. Fear that he was losing Joe settled in his stomach and he felt physically ill. Joe was his rock, his center and Nick didn't know how to be without Joe. The ground was moving under his feet and Nick couldn't catch up. He could only stand still and watch his life fall around him. It felt as though her were literally losing Joe, pushing him away and not being able to stop it.

Joe snorted. "When are you going to realize that he's suffocating you into a position you don't want to be in?"

"Don't talk about Dad like that," Nick said, the words falling between them, spiteful and angry. They always fought about their father, about the things he did and Nick resented Joe, just a little, for making him choose like this. "He just wants what's best for us."

"When?" Joe was shouting again and Nick was afraid their parents were going to hear, someone was going to hear. He sat up, eyes on Joe the whole time, and Joe's eyes were angry, dark and the gap between them was widening too fast. Nick's fingers were holding on tight to what was left of their relationship, but he could feel it slipping away, ever faster.

"He sacrificed a lot for us."

That was it, then. The last words Nick could find to defend himself. They were the wrong ones.

"Everything he's sacrificed? What about me? What about what I sacrificed?"

The silence in the room was tangible and Nick looked away, unable to say anything that would fix this, that would make things okay. "Joe."

"No, Nicholas."

Nick's head shot back up, eyes wide. They called each other that as a joke, a thing between them, but this Nicholas lacked the affection it usually did. The separation between them was wide, open and vulnerable. Nick had nothing to bridge it.

"We're done," Joe said, angry.

"You can't be done." Nick was angry too, his tone hard. Joe was being ridiculous. He couldn't quit.

"Watch me," Joe snapped. "For Kevin's sake I'm still in this. For Mom, for Frankie." He looked Nick in the eye. "You can go to hell."

Joe stalked out of the room, leaving Nick standing in the middle of their bedroom, ridiculously small. When he looked in the mirror above the dresser, he didn't recognise the person staring back at him.

"What happened?"

Kevin was standing against the doorway to the dressing room when Nick came out of the small bathroom. He adjusted his tie in the mirror, deliberately not looking at his brother. "Nothing," Nick lied.

"I'm not stupid, Nick. You barely interacted with Joe at all on stage and you've been barely speaking all week."

Nick made a face at himself and pulled the chair out from behind the table. "We'll figure it out."

"Does this have anything to do with --"

"No," Nick snapped quickly. "We just had a fight, Kevin. It's no big deal."

Except it was. Kevin looked skeptical and Nick knew the feeling. It wasn't as though he wasn't trying. Every attempt to get Joe to talk to him, to interact with him was met with a stubbornness and resistance Nick would have otherwise been proud of. It hurt not be included in Joe's life. It hurt having to watch him treat Garbo and JT they way he would treat Nick, sharing secrets and jokes. It was worse when they apologised, as though Joe coming to them was something they should be ashamed of. Pretty soon, Nick stopped hanging out with the band altogether. It was easier to be where they weren't, to be where Joe wasn't.

"Mom, can me and Nick have separate rooms in the hotel?" Joe leant over the backseat and addressed their mom directly.

Nick's finger twitched over his phone but it was the only outward sign he made that the words bothered him, even when Joe turned his head to look back.

"Nicholas, is that okay with you?"

Shrugging, Nick stared hard at the screen, the corners of his vision blurry. "It's fine, Mom. Whatever Joe wants."

His mother made a noise, as though she were going to argue further but their father stepped in. "We'll get them separate rooms, Denise. It's about time they stopped sharing, anyway."

Abandoning all pretence of texting anybody, Nick turned to look out of the window, at the world rushing by in a blur of black and green. He could feel the gaze of both Kevin and his mother on his face but he didn't lock eyes with either of them. When Joe settled back into his seat, Nick squashed right up against the door, refusing to allow any part of his body touch Joe.

If Joe wanted to play it like that, then he could too.

"Nick, honey," his Mom said and Nick knew it was bad. He was only ever Nick when she was afraid for him, or concerned. "Have you checked your levels this afternoon?"

"Three times, Mom," he answered, dutifully.

He knew why she was asking. He'd been looking pale even to himself and his hands had been shaking since the early morning. His levels were fine, as normal as they would ever be, but he couldn't shake the mood that had settled about his shoulders. Not even breaking out the acoustic and sitting on the deck outside had been able to make him feel better.

"Make sure you eat something?"

He loved that she didn't ask about Joe, even though he knew she wanted to. "I will."

She kissed his temple and left him sitting out on the porch.

At dinner, both Kevin and their dad asked if he was okay, if he had checked his levels. Nick answered, monotone, that he had and that they were fine. Picking at his dinner didn't shift the concerned looks from their eyes, or the thin lipped stare his mother had been directing at him all day, but it gave Nick a sort of sick satisfaction that Joe looked a little guilty. if there was one thing about Nick that Joe would change, would fight to make better, it was the fact that he had diabetes. Joe used to say, every day, that he would take it away from Nick if only God would ask which one of them should have it instead. Back then, Nick had been grateful but would tell him to shut up. Now, Nick would trade everything else in the world to hear Joe say it to him.

"Nick, eat your food," his mother said, tone hard.

"I'm not hungry."

"Do as your mother asked, Nicholas."

Nick stared down at his food and could feel Joe's stare hot on his neck. "Can I eat it in the other room?"

His parents exchanged a look but they nodded and Nick picked up his plate. He couldn't do this in here.

"Are you sure your levels are fine?" Joe kept his tone even and face impassive as he asked the question, framed by the door to the den.

Nick wasn't going to dignify that with a reply. "Go away, Joe."

There was a moment when Nick thought Joe might ignore him and push some more, but he did as Nick asked.

Nick hated him, just a little, for not fighting for this, for not fighting for him.

Over the next few days, things didn't improve. They had concerts to put on, intimate shows and big venues. They were scheduled for TV and radio interviews and the whole time it was as though Nick didn't exist. Joe was the same way he always was, laughing and joking with the interviewer's and putting on a show, but when it came to interacting with Nick, he was aloof and cold and it left Nick with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach. He tried to force things to happen, cracking jokes where maybe he wouldn't have and even being overly affectionate. It did nothing, just seemed to make things worse and by the end of the second week, Joe had abandoned Nick completely, choosing to hang with the band and anybody else over Nick.

Kevin had already noticed and he was doing his best not to side with one brother over the other, spending time with both of them equally and decidedly not picking which brother he was going to support. That was pure Kevin; ever the peacemaker. Frankie had obviously chosen Joe to hang around with, pleased that one of his brothers was finally spending more time than necessary in entertaining him.

Not even the fact that Nick was finding it harder to keep his levels even, to just get through the day in one piece, would shake Joe from his mission of ostracizing Nick from his life.

One thing Joe would never ignore was Nick's diabetes and the fact that he wasn't concerned over the state of Nick's well being made his parents finally take notice that all was not okay. When his father questioned him about it, Nick remained silent on the cause of the argument, just told him that they'd fallen out over something.

When he demanded they get it together and sort out whatever was bothering them, Nick bristled and shook his head. "I don't think we can, Dad."

He didn't wait for a reply, just left the room. He wasn't trying to be petulant or angry, he was confused and he didn't like not being with Joe, not having Joe around to speak to and rely on. Not having Joe at all.

Nick was washing up the dinner dishes with Kevin. Kevin was humming under his breath, a song Nick didn't recognise, when the shouting first started.

"You can't send me to Australia!"

Looking at Kevin, Nick frowned, but Kevin was also confused, looking through the open door.

"Do not raise your voice to me, Joseph."

"What about Nick and Kevin? Why aren't they going?"

There was silence and Nick pushed away from the sink, wiping his hands on a towel by the sink. Kevin was on his heel as they left the kitchen and into the living room. Joe was standing at the bottom of the stairs, staring at their father. It seemed they were always fighting these days and it made the whole house uncomfortable. "John will be going with you, Joseph. We just think you boys could do with a break. Kevin's spending time with Danielle and Nick and I are going to be here, working on music."

Joe didn't say anything, just glared. This was all news to Nick, too. None of them had known about this.

"Dad," Kevin started, but one look from their father and he shut his mouth.

"Boys, now is not the time. This has all been decided and it' is happening. It's final."

Their father pushed past Joe and went up the stairs. Joe looked at Nick and his expression was angry, bitter. "See?"

"Joe," Nick said, and then shook his head, walking back into the kitchen. He couldn't deal with this right now.

"At least you'll have the Veronica's," Nick said. He leant against the doorjamb, hands in his pockets. Joe had his suitcase on his bag, finally packing after being told to do so a hundred times or more. He had clothes strewn about the bed, mismatched outifts and Nick itched to go over and sort them out, to put some organisation to Joe's half-hearted effort to make outfits that worked.

It was the first time he'd attempted to speak to Joe in the last few days. He was hoping Joe wouldn't tell him to get out and would actually talk to him."

Joe just nodded so Nick entered the room and clicked the door shut behind him. At the soft snick of the door, Joe lifted his head and looked at him, curious. "What are you doing?"

"Are you going to ignore me forever?"

"Nick, I can't do this now," Joe said at last.

That wasn't good enough. "When are you going to be able to do it? I don't want to have to fight with you for even a sentence. Don't I deserve that at least?"

Joe stared at him, incredulous, and Nick knew this had been a mistake.

"Have a nice time in Australia," he said, the parting shot making Joe glare at his back.

He was out running an errand for his father when he got a call from Kevin asking where he was. "I'll be about a half hour, why?"

"We're at the airport, Nick. I thought you were coming."

Nick stopped at the red light and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "I thought his flight wasn't until this evening," he lied smoothly.

"He's only been mentioning it every five minutes, Nick. What's got into you?" Kevin sounded angry.

"Kevin--" Kevin had already hung up.

Nick resisted the urge to throw his phone across the car.

When his father told him about Jordan Pruitt's plea for help, Nick didn't hesitate. He needed to get away from the house, from LA and just be somewhere that wasn't a constant reminder of what he was without.

Nick stared at the caller ID on his phone. Sighing, he hit the call button. "What? It's 3am, Joe."

It took a moment for Joe to answer and Nick though belatedly of the lag from Australia to America.

"Sorry," Joe said, breathless. He didn't sound sorry but Nick glazed over it. There was a dull ache in his heart where Joe should have been. "How's LA?"

"I'm in Nashville," Nick said. "I'm working on a couple of songs with Jordan." He said it matter-of-fact, as though he was discussing the weather and not talking to his brother. He'd had time to think about things whilst they were separated and this whole thing with Joe and their father was beginning to grate on him. He wondered whether they wanted him to choose between them.

"Australia is... it's cool. It's not home, but it's awesome."

Nick rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. "How are the girls?"

"Fine," Joe said, softly. He sounded like he was pacing back and forth. "I miss you, Nick."

Nick clenched his eyes shut and swallowed hard. The words he wanted to say wouldn't come. The sorry and the I forgive you, forgive me and come home, Joe died on his tongue and his hand shook around the handset. "Joe," he said instead.

Joe said, "I-"

Nick thumbed the call end button and kept the phone to his ear, as if listening to the dial tone was accusing and would make him feel guilty. He hadn't wanted to hear what Joe was going to say, whether he would apologise or just make things worse than they already were. Nick just wanted this all to stop, to go back to the beginning and have none of it happen.

He kept his eyes closed, breath harsh and loud in the room. Joe was never going to forgive him for this, Nick was never going to forgive himself. He didn't fall back to sleep for a long time, if at all.

Part Two

[PSA] DAILY BRADLEY IS BACK; with a vengeance

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 19:35:19 GMT

WELL HI THERE, BRADLEY JAMES.

thanks to gealach_ros

NOW GIVE ME NEW COLIN PICTURES.

[ficfest] lucasfic :D

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:31:40 GMT

THE JONAS FICFEST.

(pimped over at lucasslash. feel free to pimp anywhere else FOR ME :D)

How it works:

+ all fics must be of the LUCAS brothers. not jonas, LUCAS.
+ any pairing goes; nick/joe. nick/kevin. kevin/joe. joe/stella. kevin/macy. WHAT THE HELL EVER.
+ any rating, any genre.
+ leave a request in the comments. leave more than one request in the comments.
+ scour the comments for requests you think can be fulfilled and write comment!fic (or longer) for it.
+ have fun :D

Masterlist of requests/fulfillments

Joe/Angelina
+ Jealous!Nick derailing Joe/Angelina.

Joe/Kevin.
+ Kevin is dating Macy. Joe is unhappy because Kevin doesn't HANG WITH HIM anymore.
Joe/Kevin
+ A prank war against Nick goes weird.

Joe/Nick/Kevin
+ They're so much more all up in each other's collective kitchen on the show. Maybe them on tour or something. On their bus!

Joe/Stella.
+ PROM.

Joe/Stella/Nick.
+ I JUST WANT IT.
Joe/Stella/Nick.
+ Pretty much anything.

Kevin/Macy.
+ Idiot!Kevin not realising she has a crush.
Kevin/Macy
+ A lot of alcohol

Kevin/Nick.
+ BITCHY OUTMAKING.
Kevin/Nick.
+ Mintyfresh!Nick. Kevin liking it a bit too much.
            + DOGBREATH [1] [2]
Kevin/Nick.
+ Nick sleeping in one of Kevin's bunks and Kevin climbing in to spoon~. PROBABLY NICK WOULD ELBOW HIM IN THE FACE BUT KEVIN IS PERSISTENT IN HIS AFFECTION.

Kevin/Zac Efron (Surprise!Transfer Student)
+ POLE DANCING AT THE HOUSE
            + ART
            + EXCHANGE STUDENT

Kevin&Stella
+ CLOTHES SHOPPING BFFS.

Nick/Joe
+ as a substitute for Stella (Fashion Victim).
Nick/Joe
+ What would have happened in Pizza Girl if Kevin hadn't interrupted the "no, mr. jonas, i expect you to die" scene.
Nick/Joe
+ Jealous!Nick derailing Joe/Angelina.

Nick/Macy.
+ Some sort of sporty, competetive sexy shenanigans.

Nick Lucas/Miley Stewart
+ Anything set in High School

Stella/Sandy
+ Yes, their mom.

Stella/Macy
+ Because, well, duh.

Stella/Nick/Macy
+ Nicholas Lucas: Vagina Hunter.

Nick Jonas/Rebecca Creskoff.
+ I KNOW THIS ISN'T LUCAS, IT WOULD BE RPF BUT I WANT NICK MACKING WITH THE ACTRESS WHO PLAYS THEIR MOM SO EFFING BAD YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. Throw in John Ducey and I WILL FUCKING MARRY YOU.

GO WILD :D

[jonas brothers // miley] don't let em get; inside of your head [FIC]

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 08:15:06 GMT

thepodsquad called me/I called her about the epic Nick/Miley that went down last night in Dallas. THEY OPENED THEIR WORLD TOUR WITH EPIC NILEY, OKAY. BITCHES BETTER RECOGNISE.

I have been a supporter of theirs all along (STFU, You know I have). Even when people were like EW, NILEY, I waved my little pompoms of joy, sometimes in secret so I didn't ~upset people, and now. NOW. I feel like all my support has been vindicated.

SEE:

That right there just made my night/morning. You guys don't even know how many times a day I tell myself WHY DO I CARE ABOU 16 YEAR OLDS AND THEIR RELATIONSHIPS? I still don't know, okay, but I just get a funny feeling when I see them. LOOK AT THEM. I cannot even watch that without feeling ridiculous but so PLEASED for them. They overcame paprazzi being douchebags and the PRESSURE (lol) and everything and now look at them, so HAPPY and that part where Miley reaches out to touch his SHOULDER and then the HUG at the end and the LOOKS BETWEEN THEM.

Epic. Epic. Epic.

ALSO; Just so that you know how PREPARED Hannah D and I were for this moment: (Yes, I feel like I lived this with her, you have no idea):

thepodsquad: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thisissirius: OMG I HOPE IT'S EPIC
thepodsquad: oh god! miley is gunna be here, siri
thisissirius: OMG I AM SO JEALOUS
thepodsquad: im gunna die, siri. and niley, and im going to die
thisissirius: omg pretend i am there we would be loving it forever together. OMG NILEY!!!!!!!!!!!
thepodsquad: oh god. them. singing. live. i already want to cry, siri. im welling up. this is not good.
thisissirius: omg. dont. i can't believe you're getting to see it. I WISH I WAS THERE
thepodsquad: Im not seeing it yet!!!! but omg. it's gunna happen.
thisissirius: but you will be. god, i am so excited. jealous, but excited. ilu so much. enjoy it for the both of us :)
thepodsquad: god siri. i'm gunna cry. i can't deal with this.
thisissirius: you can do it. you have to live through it, for me!!!
thepodsquad: i will. but i might die. oh fuck.
thisissirius: i know. but you'll die happy?
thepodsquad: totally. oh god.
thisissirius: hannah. do you realise how epic this is? you're seeing niley happen. in rl.
thepodsquad: what if they... they'll at least hug siri. im going to fucking bawl.
thisissirius: oh hannah, do not make me more jealous than I already am. i would almost have given up demi for miley. but OMG this is so epic.
thepodsquad: i want you here so bad right now.... you guys are not here and you should be
thisissirius: i want to be there to hold your hand and cry with you. we would be epic through black keys and before the storm. you're the only other person that understands. so going to call you.
thepodsquad: i'm freaking out
thisissirius: i know. be strong. it's going to be amazing.
thepodsquad: i'm freaking out. i'm taking all the doctors meds and i'm freaking out.
thisissirius: that's just the way you roll, bb. nick and miley are going to sing to you before the storm hits. you know it's better black and white.

TWITTERING ABOUT IT.

Then she called me and I died. The end.

Except it's not the end, because then I woke up to this VIDEO and my life was complete.

.she loves the sky (it's better black and white)
[nick/miley. pg. short.]
They've sung this song so many times together that the lyrics are second nature, like singing one of her own songs.

.she loves the sky (it's better black and white)

She knows what's coming next. They've sung this song so many times together that the lyrics are second nature, like singing one of her own songs.

When he had come to her with the song, just words on paper that were a little hard to take, she had been wary. It had been a long time for the both of them, and they were only now getting back on even footing. Reconnecting, he called it, and she smiled and nodded, yes.

Nick so rarely tells her how he's feeling that she's glad he wrote it into a song. She knows he means it when he makes it into music, something tangible to hold and to treasure.

Before the Storm had been everything she was afraid of; written from the heart, and hurtful in all the places she wasn't expecting. Still, it was a healer for the both of them, a bridge that they could walk together, fixing everything that needed it.

The screams of the crowd wash over her as they always do and she smiles, light and free everytime Nick does. She likes to think he's been doing a lot of that lately and that she is partly responsible. Nobody smiles like he does and it feels like every time it's for her, because of her and she sings from the heart, from everything she is.

It doesn't feel strange, being here supporting him when he's so often supported her and the fans love the song. The screams are almost deafening and the smiles she can see as they blur past make something else burn in her chest and she looks at Nick, at his smile and knows that this is where she needs to be.

Standing out in the rain, knowing that it's really over.

Please don't leave me alone.

Before she's finished singing the line, she crosses the small stage and reaches out for him, hearing the crack in his voice, the slight downturn to his shoulders. Her heart clenches and she touches his shoulder, squeezes and lets go.

It's over too soon and she's singing the last line, looking him in the eye and he's smiling, from the heart smiling and she can't help but smile back. She knows she ducks her head, blushing, but she's not ashamed, she's just happy and proud.

She's never been prouder of him.

He reaches for her before she's lowered back below the stage and she holds on as long as she dares, whispering, "Thank you," into his ear and letting him work out what she means.

She clenches her fists around the mic and looks back up, her last glimpse of him that of a smile, a look in his eyes that's all for her.

.the end

[education] YAY FOREVER AND EVER

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 19:39:42 GMT

MY EXAMS ARE OVER
\0/

LET'S HAVE A PARTY IN THE COMMENTS. FIC ME. PICSPAM ME. ASK ME QUESTIONS. LET'S JUST GET DOWN ANPARTY.

I am also going to go answer comments on that personal canon meme, haha. I AM SO SLOW D:

[nicholas jonas] hi, my name is nick jonas and i would like to sell you some dicks

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sun, 14 Jun 2009 09:38:28 GMT

THE NICK JONAS PORN FREE-FOR-ALL

HI, MY NAME IS NICK JONAS AND I WOULD LIKE TO SELL YOU SOME DICKS.

(I can't believe I just said that on my journal. I bet I'll get 329783902 people defriend me now.)

Because I need more Nick Jonas porn in my life. Anything goes. NICK/ANYONE.

thisissirius: WE DO NEED A PORN CHALLENGE
thisissirius: i feel this should be done
thisissirius: I KNOW
thisissirius: TOMORROW
thisissirius: I SHALL PROPSE A PORN FREE-FOR-ALL ON MY JOURNAL. i know there was the PORN BATTLE
thisissirius: but this should be just... FOCUS ON JONAS
th_easaurus: make it not just nick/joe ;__;
th_easaurus: because i want to request nick/kevin
th_easaurus: and nick/camilla
th_easaurus: and nick/everyone ever
thisissirius: oh HELL NO
thisissirius: it'll be the NICK PORN FREE FOR ALL
th_easaurus: omg yes
th_easaurus: it should be called
th_easaurus: HI I'M NICK JONAS AND I'D LIKE TO SELL YOU SOME DICKS

So.

Request a pairing and what you'd like to see in the comments and then go up, down, around whatever and see if you can fill someones request for them. Let's get in on the Nick Jonas love!

(Feel free to pimp the hell out of this baby.)

[fic] your arm felt nice (wrapped around my shoulder) } nick&joe } pg

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 21:19:22 GMT

.your arm felt nice (wrapped around my shoulder)
[nick/joe. pg. 614 words.]
Going to Australia alone was the hardest thing Joe had done in a long time.

notes; because i haven't written anything in a long time ♥ for ivebeenburgled :)

.your arm felt nice (wrapped around my shoulder)

Going to Australia alone was the hardest thing Joe had done in a long time.

He was there to meet with the Veronicas and he didn't know if it was publicity or pleasure, only that it was a break and a welcome one. Jessica and Lisa were amazing, introducing him to people he hadn't seen in a long time and JT was a comforting presence, always in the periphery of his vision, but enough so that it was normal, expected and a small piece of home.

Still. He missed his family. He missed his Mom's mornings kisses and his Dad's stern gaze, demanding bearing. He missed Frankie jumping on his bed at ridiculous o'clock and Kevin's dark humour, his slight digs.

Most of all he missed Nick.

It was like a dull ache under his skin, itching and tormenting and everything he saw, everything he did in Australia served to remind him of what he was missing. A magazine on the rack with Nick's face on it. A Little Bit Longer lining shelf after shelf in the music stores. Their faces on posters stuck all over the local stadium. Joe had to turn away, clench his teeth and glaze over the concern from his friends. He just wanted to go home.

It was worse at night, lying alone in his bed without the comforting sound of Nick's steady breathing, of the second bed in the room. He curled his hand around the duvet and pressed his face into the pillow, as if willing Nick into the room would make it so.

Eventually, he pulled out his phone and called Nick.

"'lo?"

Nick's voice was low, scratchy and dark with morning sleep and Joe had to check the clock, flinching when he read the time. "Sorry," he said, quietly.

Nick's breath hitched and he said, "Joe?"

Maybe he hadn't checked caller ID, but either way, Joe just needed to hear his voice. "I miss you."

There was silence for a moment. "You can't sleep?"

Joe wouldn't admit to it, just remained silent and Nick made a noise in the back of his throat and muttered to somebody, maybe Kevin, and Joe felt guilty. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"Don't be stupid," Nick said, matter-of-fact and Joe heard the pad of feet, the click of a door. "Frankie was trying to sleep, I've moved into the bathroom."

It was such a Nick thing to do that Joe's heart clenched. "I wish you were here." Joe's voice was barely above a whisper, but thick with emotion.

"I know, Joe." The words were said slowly and deliberately and they were both feeling the same way, the ache of something they couldn't have. "I wish-"

He cut off and Joe scrunched his face into the duvet, willing the tears not to fall. This was so stupid. Nick wouldn't finish his sentence, he never wished, always thought he had everything he needed.

Joe needed Nick and he wanted him, here, now.

Nick started talking again, about how much he missed Joe, the promotion, how things were with their parents, with Kevin, Frankie, even Demi. Joe felt some of the tension bleeding out of his body as they spoke. It wasn't the same as having Nick there, something tangible that he could touch, but it was enough. He closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Nick's voice, washing over him.

He started to drift and let out a slow breath.

"Joe?"

"M'here," he said, slurring his words slightly.

He could hear Nick breathing, the rustle of clothing and his lips twitched into a smile. "Stay on the line."

It wasn't a question.

Nick nodded, Joe could hear it, and then said, "Yeah."

He could almost feel the invisible press of a kiss to his forehead and his hand clenched around the phone, desperate for a touch that Nick could not give.

"I love you," Nick whispered, low and almost inaudible. He would never have said it to Joe's face; things get easier over distance and there were thousands of miles between them.

Joe swallowed. "I know."

He pressed his face back into the pillow and listened to the sound of Nick breathing, feeling the distance and yet knowing he was closer, buried under Joe's skin.

In the morning he woke slowly, the cellphone still pressed to his palm. It showed a message.

four days left. i miss you. n. xxx

Joe smiled and pressed the phone to his face, his nose smudging the display. Three days couldn't pass soon enough.

.the end

[misc] just please remember me

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sat, 30 May 2009 23:19:25 GMT

Comment with your three favorite fannish things (fanfic, fanmixes, vids, picspams, etc.) that I have done, and tell me why you like them. Then post this in your journal and I will do the same for you.

britains got talent

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sat, 30 May 2009 20:34:04 GMT

susan boyle better not win. i'll throw something if she does.

ETA;

YES, BRITAIN I LOVE YOU. FUCK YES. FUCK YES FUCK YES.

[events] London Expo; MERLIN panel POST

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Mon, 25 May 2009 20:14:36 GMT

LONDON EXPO; MERLIN panel & signing
bradley james, colin morgan, katie mcgrath & angel coulby
(also with johnny capps & polly buckle)

notes;
Most of the caps are borrowed from hils who posted her picspam here and here. Go say thank you and adore her for her picture taking skills ;)

Thanks to ionaonie for allowing the BFF and I to stay at her hotel. ILU, BB!!!!!!!!!

The BFF (shepsangel) and I woke up at FOUR. AM. Yes, you heard that right. FOUR. Just so that we could get to Expo in good time. We had been unable to purchase Expo tickets online and from previous experience, knew that if we wanted to get into the hall and make the Merlin Panel? WE NEEDED TO GET IN THE HALL AND BE AT THE FRONT OF THE FASTTRACK QUEUE.

We hopped on the train, got to London and met ionaonie who kindly let us stay with her in her hotel room. We dumped bags, collected belongings and made our way to Expo.

Because London Transport utterly fails EVERY SINGLE TIME there is a convention we desperately need to get to, the Docklands Light Railway (DLR) wasn;t working and we had to navigate our way to the shuttle bus which would take us to the ExCel center.

When we finally arrived it was to join the bloody FastTrack queue. This meant we had to STAND AND WATCH as MILLIONS (okay,s everal hundred) people passed us.

We did see some amazing costumes. I love Expo for it's contrast and wide range of Anime/Tv/Movie costumes that crawl out on Saturday and Sunday and amaze me.

Two of my favourite costumes I saw on saturday. The first is a Gyarados and the second is No Face (from Sen to Chihiro no Kamikuri (SPIRITED AWAY. My favourite anime. (THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER ON, OKAY.))

Before I continue, I should point out. THERE WERE ONLY 150 Autograph Tickets from the Merlin cast. 150.

As we were standing, we saw these people walking past and joining the end of the Internet!pass people and we saw our hopes of getting an autograph ticket dwindle. DWINDLE. There was utter hopelessness between us, you guys.

Haha. I'm not really sure what the first picture is supposed to represent D:
The second is a random picture of my bag to make sure my phone was working properly at taking pictures. IDEK, YOU GUYS.
Four!O'ClockWAKEUPTIME!Mer (the bff, shepsangel) and Mer rummaging in her bag for ... something. IDEK what.
THE SIZE OF THE QUEUE WE WERE NOT IN. I know, right? RIDIC. We weren't in that queue :(

We were supposed to join the other queue at 9:30. But, as there is ALWAYS utter fail at conventions run by YOU KNOW WHO the con was over running, as usual. This meant that they didn't start letting the Internet Fast Track Queue in until 9:30. THEN THEY DECIDED TO CHANGE THEIR MINDS AND MAKE US WAIT UNTIL EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON WITH AN INTERNET PASS GOT IN FIRST.

(Before I get called on this, I should point out that in pervious years we had been allowed to join the queue at the alloted time and not forced to wait.)

We got into the hall at 10:30.

We got tickets 130 & 131. Five more seconds, NINETEEN MORE PEOPLE and we would not have managed to get autographs.

I CAME THIS CLOSE, YOU GUYS. THIS CLOSE.

So. Now you wanna know about the con, right, and not me babbling along?

IDEK.

So, now the BFF and I were with ionaonie, zethiest, krazykipper, valderys, j_apollo and many more.

Anyway. After recieving out tickets, I knew I wanted front row seats again. BECAUSE I AM GREEDY. And also I have to have the best of everything.

No, really. I just wanted to have good seats and common sense tells you that if you want good seats, you have to queue for a million hours.

We made a bargain that someone would sit with the bags at all times. I needed breakfast, you guys. I'd been up since 4am (it was now 10@:45) and I hadn't eaten anything. NOT A THING.

I got pizza. For breakfast. Haha,

This is breakfast. Well, the 'breakfast Rubbish Pile' which wasn't actually the BRP until people just decided to DUMP THEIR STUFF on mine. No, I'm joking. It was the BRP really.
The second is JAY and GUILLAME who are the most amazing people in the world. Remember last year when I mentioned the two guys who got us in and got us front row seats? Yeah, they pretty much did the same again. And recognised us. Fame, it does things to people, I tell you.

THEN.

Obviously, having run into Jay and Guillame they promised they would keep us updated if we needed to move. THEN. They took us backstage into somewhere ~private and we were allowed into the talks early, telling us they weren't going to be clearing the hall before the MERLIN talk.

(Apparently people complained about this later? That they'd been queueing forever?

I have this to say to you:

You started queueing at twelve. An hour and a half before the MERLIN panel. I started queueing at 10:45. Even if you had managed to clear the hall, you still would not have had front row seats. Me and the seven million people I was with would have had them.

I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying this is fact. Nobody is getting between me and Colin Morgan, bitches.

AND APPARENTLY BRADLEY JAMES. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THAT.)

Having procured front row seats for ourselves, we settled down for the three hour wait. OMG, I KNOOOOOOOOW. During which we got:</center>

James Duval

It took several people telling me the SAME THING for me to get whoe this was. HE WAS SMOKING, JSYK. I would do him. If he asked me. But he won't. So I won't :(

He was actually really funny and adorable and managed to work up a good rapor with the crowd, despite pretty much the entire population of the Talk Hall being there for the MERLIN panel and just arriving far too early.

James Duval; IMDB

Then it was the MOON panel.

With Duncan JOnes (Director) and Gavin Rothery
(Visual Effects Supervisor.)
Moon is an independent movie about... some guy in space with a computer which smiles/forwns/remains relevant to the story. I DID NOT GET IT. But Duncan was cute.

THEY WERE HILARIOUS, OKAY. The movie actually looks amazing and I would probably go and watch it, even without the weird computer that makes faces. IDEK, ~freaky.

Duncan Jones; IMDB & Gavin Rothery; IMDB

ETA: During the talks, I got a call from myfoolisheart who I have been dying to meet forever, by the way and OMG. She was amazing! We saved her seats and she joined in and as I already had Colin and Bradley's autograph I was going to give her mine, but then they wouldn't let people sign their own stuff, so I had to take them for myself.

IDEK. She was amazing. I LOVE YOU, MAZ <3<3<3

THEN. FINALLY.

MERLIN PANEL

The MERLIN panel.

The following will be a transcript, intersperced with picspams :D

Q: What is it like working with CGI?

(Haha, this question started with Colin answering about how yes, it is difficult, and then passing the question over to Bradley who had, until this moment, been extremely distracted ;))

CM: Well, it's difficult because mostly there's just two blank screens. It's easier now, because I know what the dragon looks like.

BJ: YES. Fighting. CGI. Monsters. Stalling a bit here. It's not weird once you've done it quite a few times because you realise that you're turning up at work and you'll be fighting a large blue bag which I've done on a number of occassions now and that bag has taken one hell of a beating, so. It's a case of having a vivid imagination. Which I have. And uh, Colin definitely has. You know, you just kind of, run with it, really.

JC: I think the key thing that we like to provide for the actors when we're doing CGI sequences where they're fighting creatures, is we give them something to react to rather than just fighting thin air. So Bradley does find himself having to fight blue or green bean bags held by Stunt Men, but at least that gives Bradley, Colin or Bradley, something to react to. It makes their performance more authentic.

Katie. She is so amazingly beautiful.

Q: Are you amazed by how far people have come to see you today and how many people (something something.)

KM: All the time. You can never imagine that something you do, in a studio in Cradiff, will reach so many people and have such an impact.

Q; What magical power would you have?

AC: I'd love to be able to fly.

KM: I'd like to be Rogue from X- Men. (Here she has to explain to Bradley who Rogue is ;))

CM: Actually, I think I'd quite like to be Gambit.

BJ: I'd like to heal people. I know someone who is ill.

Q; The question was about Soccer Six. IDEK REMEMBER it. I think it was 'Are the rest of the cast going to be there to support him?"

BUT LOL. Bradley hadn't even told them, haha. It was brilliant.

BJ: I hadn't told them. So thanks for that.

JC: Colin, you'll be there with a bucket of water and a sponge?

CM: UH ... No.

BJ: I was playing football once, and it was just after we had finished filming Season one and this guy, this defender, crunched me, just you know, tackled me quite ferociously and it took me quite a while to get off of the ground and as I did, he went 'Where's Merlin now?' and I thought, "This is where it begins."

CM: And then I just poked my head around the corner and went ; does his merlin magic thingy.

BJ: And then Merlin came along and saved the day. Cheers, for that, Merlin.

Q: ARE there GOING TO BE ANY MORE SHIRTLESS SCENES?

JC: I'd like to answer that question, actually. The very first scene in Merlin episode one, you will be very happy with.

BJ: *has no clue* I think it's a stunt double, actually, because I don't really remember that.

KM: We just added that in, right now.

Q: How do you feel when people dress up like characters from your show?

JC: I think it's quite a compliment when people dress up. Colin, how do you feel?

CM: (LOL, terrified. J/K.) Amazed.

SPOILERS: SCROLL DOWN TO SKIP.

Q: Is there any chance we're going to see Lancelot back?

JC: Lancelot is coming back for the second series. Mordred is also back, along with Excalibur. The costumes will be better and Morgana's freindship with Merlin and Gwen develops, although this will be tested. The Gwen/Arthur relationship will also start to develop.

END SPOILERS

Colin & Bradley sharing a ~glance.

Q: Last time we were here, we gave you (Bradley & Colin) a cardboard sign saying 'We love you'. Do you still have it?"
(Audience give nervous laughter - me and the gang sigh and roll out eyes and want to kill people.)

CM: we cut in half and kept a piece each.

BJ: ... uh, yes?

Stuart: NEXT QUESTION.

Q: Favourite episodes?

KM: Mine is definitely episode eight. With it, you're getting out-acted (IDEK) by an eleven year old, but it was fun, it was physical, there was running and I got to do so much extra stuff, so for me, it was great story for my character.

AC: I genuinely enjoy all of them, but I really enjoyed episode ten because we got weapons, and the girls got to fight.

CM: I'm going to have to think about it. *looks at Bradley who says 'Go on'.* I really enjoyed, episode, I find it hard remembering episodes, because we film them three at a time.. so, .. I guess episode eleven. With Bradley and I get a little bit of banter and then work with the Unicorn.

BJ: I really enjoyed four and five, but especially, uh, episode eleven. Which was amazing. Just because of the journey the character went on. So uh, we actually had an amazing director, and if you get a good director it's a better experience. We were very lucky. It's my favourite episode.

Angel

Q: Describe the other cast member;s

BJ: *looks at Colin*... Katie, I'd say generous. There's a generosity with Katie. Angel, she's very bubbly. And Colin... what word can describe Colin?

KM: Colin's a dark horse. He may look all sweet and innocent, but there's something else under there.

BJ:

KM: You may have guessed that Bradley is obviously the joker. Big shock there.

BJ: Can someone else answer the question? Otherwise it's just me.

AC: Colin would be lovely. Katie would be sweet. And Bradley.... *HUGE PAUSE*... would be witty!

CM: I'm rubbish at things ike this, so everyone's great.

Q: Angel, did you get the boys back for the Je Suis Loser prank?

AC: Not yet, but I'm working on revenge.

BRADLEY

Q: Is Colin aware that when he shouts, sometimes his accent comes through?

CM: *Laughs* Yes.

q: How do you get into character?

KM: I find the costumes and all the hair and make up helps me, because it's so far from what I do in RL that I really feel like the character that I'm playing, so for me it helps, that transformation.

BJ: I, uh, tend to start off by bullying Colin in character, of course, and just act generally pompous and you know, authoratative.

AC: You do a verbal monologue, don't you Bradley?

BJ ... Yes.

We didn't get to see it D:

Q: Are you ever unhappy with scenes that you've been given, or do you ever think 'the characters wouldn't do this.'

BJ: When the Producer and the Script Editor are sitting up here, you can't go OMG, you would not believe... We'd be setting ourselves up for a world of trouble.

KM: There was a scene in episode 13 where I had difficulty, but not because I didn't want to do it. I Didn't know how I was going to do it as an actor. It was the scene where I had to run out, down the steps in hysterics, trying to convince Arthur not to go. When I read it, for me, I knew that was going to be a challenge to make it believable and not too much, but I don't think I've ever read anything that didn't agree with my character but that's the only thing I've read that I didn't think I'd be able to give justice to.

AC; we all have dialgoue with the Producers, if we do have any issues and they tell us we just have to live with it.

JC: I think from my point of view, um, Julian and I when we produce shows, we do want to have quite an open relationship with the actors, so but if they do have problems with the scripts, or they don't quite understand what we've done with their character then we can have an open discussion over it. We have a good atmopshere on set where poeple feel relaxed and if they do have a probklem with anything, we can talk about it.

I mean obviously, when they tell me they have a problem, I tell them they're wrong and I'm right, but we can talk about it.

Q: Katie, in the VD's you're holding a toy tiger. Enquiring minds want to know why that is. There's been some discussion.

KM: It's not a teddy bear, it's a hot water bottle. He does have a name! You can't wear a lot under or over your costumes so we get quite cold. The costume department were wonderful and they gave me my own hot water bottle. So there you go.

(it's called Hugo ;))
wE HAVE STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS.

Colin.

Q: Something about ASH's DS. (maybe about quirky things?)

CM: Bradley and I both have a DS and we link them up and we play Mario Kart. We just chill out, play, and I always win.

BJ: *shakes head no*

KM: *nods head, yes*

BJ: My iPod goes with me everywhere. I'm not sure that's quirky, though. So uh...I'm going to pretend I've answered that question.

KM: Bradley does take his CamCorder everywhere he goes.

There was also something here about Angel playing the guitar and Katie saying she's actually really good. SO YAY.

Q: Has your french got any better?

The answer was a resounding no.

This guy right here? This is Stuart. He is amazing. You want to know why?

I WILL TELL YOU.

My Question;

I got so muddled up, you guys. I had i tall planned.

IS ARTHUR STILL AS 'UNOBSERVANT' IN S2 AS HE WAS IN S1. COuld I say it like that? No. It came out all jumbled and I just ended up saying 'ARE YOU STILL DIM?;

AHHA OMG. Then Bradley went all diva-ish and put on sunglasses and hid his face and did the whole TALK TO THEN HAND THING.

Diva!Bradley

THEN STUART, OMG STUART let me go on stage to apologise. I apologised and got a hug and he KISSED MY CHEEK.

... haha, no, not on the lips sadly, but his LIPS ON MY FACE, OKAY.

I'm so weird. VIDEO:

Yes. I actually did a fist pump. IDEK, OKAY.

The autograph panel.

Oh man, what to say. We queued for a while and ran into kathkin and marn_barn who were both awesome. Then we arrived at the AUTOGRAPH QUEUE.

Bradley

LOL. He was so hilarious, you guys.

ME: "I am so sorry that I called you dim again."

B: "It's fine. I'm getting used to it *mockl tear*. Did you enjoy the kiss?"

ME: "LOL. Of course."

B: "What's this?"

(My Lanyard, so that people know who/where i am ;))

ME: "It's you."

B: "Ha. Ha. (Seriously, it was like a mock laugh. ILHIM so much.) This - is - serious?"

ME: "It's my online name, so that people can find you."

B: "Oh! That's a clever idea. I look very dashing here, don't you think?" *looks at Colin*

Colin nods, grins at me.

B: "Would you like me to personalise this?"

ME: "Please. Cherie."

(He needed me to spell it ;))

Colin

C: "Your name is Cherie?"

*nods*

C: "I don't know who was more nervous when you walked up on stage, you or me."

ME: "Haha I know what you mean. I think it was you, actually. I was all suave and calm."

C: Pulls a nonchalant face. "Oh, yeah, me too. Me too, I was fiiiiine." (HE DREW OUT THE FINE, OKAY. AWESOME.)

ME: "Haha. I believe you."

Then he grinned and told me I was great and BYE.

Johnny Capps

JC: "Hi. You were a natural on stage."

"Haha."

JC: "Are you going to the football tomorrow?"

ME: "Definitely. Any excuse to see men in shorts."

JC: "Unfortunately, they don't have the same appeal to me>"

ME: "Oh god, probably not."

JC: "Have a fun time. Heckle Bradley for me."

ME: "Oh, I will :D"

Angel

A: "You were amazing."

(I DID NOTHING BUT MOCK BRADLEY. This could be what they meant.)

ME: "Thanks. Haha. I thought he wasn't going to let me go up there."

A: "He's a good sport *mock pride*"

ME: "Thank you so much for this."

A: "You're welcome. You have a lovely name."

Katie

KM:"Can I see this?"

ME:"Sorry you and Angel aren't on it. I didn't even know you were coming."

Angel made a LOL face and Katie snorted.

KM: "Yeah, I'm sure that's your excuse NOW. I just don't look as good with my top off, do I?"

ME:".... I don't know what to say to that>"

Katie laughed and Angel grinned. "I don't thinkt here is anytihng to say, is there?"

ME: "I'm going to go over there now and pretend you never said anything."

KM: "Haha! It was so lovely to meet you."

Then I ran away in fighrt/shock/happiness/death. GUYS. They were all so awesome.

Mocking Bradley for being dumb was awesome.

MY AUTOGRAPHS.

Then we decided to leave and go meet rageprufrock and zoetrope at the Pub on Fleet Street.

The crowds outside. Except it mostly looks like I'm taking pictures of ionaonie. She also looks like she's going to kill me in the first picture. IT WASN'T ME. (She's just jealous because Bradley kissed me, okay.)
More crowds.
The Millenium Dome.
?, krazykipper & j_apollo
THIS SIGN HAHA. OMg, we were walking along the road and NO LIE, this sign pointed OVER THE BRIDGE and onto the dual Carriageway below. LONDON, PROMOTING SUICIDE SINCE MAY, 2009.

HORSES ON THE BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The meet up was amazing and lolsome, although I fear everyone thinks that I beat shepsangel up on a regular basis. SO NOT TRUE, JSYK.

I finally got to meet Pru (\0/) and Zoetrope (\0/) and it was amazing. I had a good time.

OMG YOU GUYS.

Then shepsangel, ionaonie and I went back to the hotel and caught the tail end of Britains Got Talent and then... then, it was all good.

We went to sleep.

NEXT DAY WAS SOCCER SIX. But I will have to post about that later, okay, because this took me forever.

[misc] sometimes i need you

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Thu, 21 May 2009 22:53:15 GMT

I know you guys generally don't like doing meme's with me. I would, however, LOVE IT if you could just take five seconds to answer this one.

THE ANONYMOUS WRITING FEEDBACK MEME

My writing is important to me. Probably THE most important thing and I like to know what you guys think.

[jonas brothers] KEVIN

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Tue, 19 May 2009 23:12:07 GMT

THANK HEAVEN FOR KEVIN

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Tue, 05 May 2009 07:39:14 GMT

OKAY SO I GOT AN E-MAIL THIS MORNING TELLING ME I CAN GET PRE-SALE TICKETS FOR JONAS BUT MANCHESTER DOESN'T SHOW UP.

ONLY BIRMINGHAM AND LONDON DO. WTF. IS THIS HAPPENING TO ANYONE ELSE?

OH MAN, THIS IS HORRIFYING D:

[JONAS] FREE FOR ALL, OKAY

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sat, 02 May 2009 23:35:10 GMT

JONAS; Wrong Song & Groovy Movies
FREE-FOR-ALL.

WATCHED HERE
(ALSO; NICK, GET YOUR SHOES OFF OF THE BED COVERS DDDDDDDDDDD:)

BRING YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TO THIS POST. I'VE WATCHED EPISODES ONE AND TWO AND KDSHAKFHJSAK.

lucasslash!!!!!!!!!

thought i'd get in there first :D

Wrong Song;

- Let's get this out of the way first; Nick's acting is lolsome. Sorry bb, but it's the truth. Joe's timing is almost there and KEVIN IS RIDICULOUS AND MY FAVOURITE.

- NICK'S INTENSE FACE. I LOVED IT, SO TRUE.

- Stella is annoying and Macy brought some lols but even more winces. DNW these girls. Just my Jonas boys, okay.

- THE PARENTS!!!!! LOL @ their dad. I love him. Haha.

- JOE AND KEVIN SHOULD BE BFF FOREVER. I love them so much in this. OBV I LOVED NICK MORE but w/ever. Joe and Kevin stole the show.

- BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!! HAHA. Oh, Kevin, ILU.

- I LOVE HOW THEY ARE BLATANTLY MOCKING THEIR FANS AND THEMSELVES ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Sorry, fans, but you know you're batshit and obviously so do the Jonas Brothers, haha. Sucks to be you.

- NICK ILU, YOU ARE MEANT TO SHAG ME IN THE FUTURE, FYI.

- The episode was kinda... boring? Penny got on my nerves and I'm sorry, but she should never duet with Nick 'Lucas' Jonas ever again. Over my dead body. She does not compliment his voice like Joe's does. GTFO, PENNY.

Groovy Movies;

- OMFG. This episode, you guys. A million times better than Wrong Song.

- THEIR DAD. JFC, he is amazing.

- DNW Bonus Jonas. Stop forcing Frankie on me, you guys :(

- NICK. HIS BED. NICK. JOE AND KEVIN. NICK. NIIIIIIICK.

- jdskhfjkdhskjf JONAS HOME MOVIES. BABY JONASES!!!!!! NICK ON THE DRUMS, OMG. KEVIN STEALING THE CAMERA AND JOE BLATANTLY SHOVING HIM OUT OF THE WAY. HE'S ALWAYS BEEN REJECTED :( ILU, KEVIN. OMFFFFFFFFG BABY NICK. JFC. BABY NICK. I NEED A REVIVAL KIT EVERY SATURDAY, YOU GUYS.

- EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM MAKING THEIR HOME MOVIES. DW IN MY SHOW. DJKHSJKFHKD. I LOVE IT. JONAS FOREVER, HAHA.

- BRB WAITING FOR PART FOUR.

ETA;

- jdskhjfsf. I THINK. NICK IN A TIGER SUIT. OMG. OMG. AHAHA. THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER.

-I'M WEARING HEELS!!!!!!!!!!!

- Oh man, this EPISODE, you guys. AMAZING. I loved it.

ALSO. LOL @ everyone on Ohnotheydidnt acting like it's ~serious and expecting it to actually be stimulatiing. THIS IS TV NOT THE HISTORY CHANNEL. I'M NOT A HERMIT OR AN ALIEN AND I KNOW THAT THIS SHOW IS LOLSOME ANDNOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.

They sing a song about a pizza girl. Enough said.

[fic] .that you stole from the skies } jonas brothers } nick & joe } pg

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sat, 02 May 2009 22:47:59 GMT

.that you stole from the skies
[nick & joe, pg, 2731 words. boys in las vegas.]
It's three AM and the streets of Las Vegas are alive with colour and sound.
disclaimer; the jonas brothers are not mine (haha, :(). i do not own frank sinatra, old devil moon, or tom jones.
notes; for blackwayfarers who wanted 'fluff' and also let me c/p this into AIM last night. ♥ HAVE A FUN TIME IN ICELAND. I WILL MISS YOU D:

.that you stole from the skies

It's 3am and the streets of Las Vegas are alive with colour and sound.

They should be asleep in the hotel room but Joe's been restless since the show and Nick can't sleep, the heat almost unbearable. The window to their hotel room is jammed shut, sticky and hard to open, so Nick suggests a walk and Joe, liking the thrill of not having their Dad, Big Rob or one of their many minders looking over his shoulder, agrees readily, leading the way down the corridor. The hotel staff are alarmed when they walk into the lobby, ducking their heads and making their way across the marble floor, but they don't try and stop them as they leave the hotel, both in a t-shirt and jeans but Joe with a jacket he'd grabbed last minute.

They're in Las Vegas for three days and with their concert out of the way they have a long stretch of two days and nights to spend relaxing in their hotel. Their Dad will be holed up in his room with his phone for most of that and Danielle had come with them, giving Kevin someone else to be with.

That left Nick and Joe with the run of Vegas.

"It's hot," Nick says slowly as they step onto the street. He's smiling, eyes wide and happy and Joe can almost feel him vibrating. He's still in a high from the concert and Joe knows how he feels. They'd been so on and the streets of 'Vegas are the perfect place to come down

"Wanna gamble?" Joe says it with a grin and Nick tilts his head, rolling his eyes.

"I'm sixteen Joe." He says it affably and nudges Joe with his shoulder, walking side-by-side. They're almost inconspicuous in Vegas and Joe thinks that's what Nick loves best; that they can just be without having to look over their shoulder. Strains of music are flowing out of every theater front, a coalescing of genres, but it's Sinatra that Nick picks out and goes with, singing under his breath. Joe smiles into Nick's neck. Nick's voice is his favourite thing in the world, the way it rises and falls, each dip graceful and low and then the hard, scratchy noise at the back of his throat that gives Joe shivers.

"You're so good," he says, slowly, interrupting Nick's rendition of Old Devil Moon.

Nick frowns but then his lips twitch and he laughs against Joe's neck. "You've got me flying high and wide," he sings, holding his notes and looking at Joe as though the lyrics are for him, were written for him. "On a magic carpet ride." He lowers his voice, lifts a hand to Joe's neck and curls his fingers against the strands of hair at the base of his skull. "Full of butterflies inside," he whispers, still singing and letting the last note flow on between them.

They touch foreheads, eyes meeting and holding and Joe thinks that this is what it's about. He loves the concert rush, standing on stage with his brothers and hearing thousands of people screaming his name. He loves the music, making the songs their own, writing and creating melodies and hearing them all come together on a record, song after song theirs. Nick, though, Nick is what makes it all worth it; the way his eyes light up when he sings, the passion and the dedication and everything that makes Joe proud, an invisible hand squeezing his heart and making it good. "Hungry?"

Nick nods and if Joe thinks about the diabetes, it's only a tug at the base of his skull that's always there, that he can't shake. It's ingrained after years of worry, concern and desperation to save his brother pain, hurt and anger. They walk down the strip, bodies close and Nick's t-shirt clings to his skin in the harsh heat. Joe's wishing he'd left his jacket back at the hotel when Nick catches sight of the burger stand. Joe nods, not even needing to ask and they step up to the trailer, a group of teenagers smoking alongside. Joe blinks at them, wistful, but then Nick's fingers curl around his wrist and he's grinning up at the food list, picking out his burger and Joe follows suit.

"I suppose I'm paying," Nick says with a smile, the laughter in his eyes and Joe manages to look sheepish. He's got a wad of cash in his back pocket but he's saving that for later; holds the secret close to his chest. He layers the burger with sauce and makes eyes at Nick until they're off again, the heckling of the teenagers drifting into background music, soon overtaken by the harsh strains of Tom Jones. Nick rolls his eyes and makes a face and Joe laughs before taking a bite of his burger. He loves it when Nick's hackles rise and Tom Jones is just enough to make Nick angry, frustration over his popularity chasing Nick's dream to be as widely known.

"You'll get knickers thrown at you one day," Joe promises and ducks the swipe of Nick's arm. They walk down the strip, colours blurring with music and shouting, screams and singing and Joe feels the thrill down to his bones. They're in Vegas, at 3am and eating trailer burgers that taste like old leather but he has Nick and it's awesome. "We were so on today," he says eventually, when the silence goes on too long. "It'll be nice to have two days to ourselves."

Nick nods but Joe knows he's already singing in his head, making new music. His brain is always on, always in overdrive and Joe wishes sometimes that he could be like that, that he could understand how Nick's mind works. They turn the street and it's darker down this way. The lights and music continue further up and Joe catches sight of the hotel they stayed in last year, the bright golden lights framing the marble stone entranceway. Between the two hotels is a darker row of establishments, people gathered in groups and Joe shivers, taking one step forward and in front of Nick. He knows Nick won't like it, his mouth pulled down into a line and rolling his eyes, but Joe does it anyway. Being a brother means it's ingrained in his system, a calling he can't ignore and he tilts his head. "Stay close."

Nick snorts but he does as he's told and he even slides a hand into the back of Joe's jeans, holding close and Joe cocks his head with a confidence he only half feels as they walk down the street. They pass a group pf three girls, two older and one teenager, wearing short mini-skirts and faces layered with make-up. One of them makes eyes at Nick but Joe frowns, eyes carrying things they'll understand and he doesn't have to say back-off for it to be evident; his body language is threatening enough. The brunette snaps her gum and pulls a face, forgetting they exist as she steps off of the curb and towards the silver Jag crawling the sidewalk. The black haired teenager is looking straight at Joe but he passes with a shrug; Nick's hand is hot against his back and he doesn't even register her.

"We're going to have to come back this way," Nick says quietly.

"Not till morning, " Joe says, distracted and he eyes a shady looking guy off to the side. All thoughts that this maybe wasn't his best idea fade as the lights start to come back again, the first shop bright and inviting and music blaring. This time it's drum and base, a beat that Nick's already bopping his head too and Joe snorts a laugh as Nick pull his hand from his pocket and slides back next to him.

"This is the best idea you've had," Nick says, and all doubts fade from Joe's mind as they look up at the familiar hotel. There's a party inside, they can see men and women dressed up in suits and dresses, a long flowing affair. They stand looking in, watching the women hold their heads high and act with a dignity and grace they have to work at. They both know what it's like to have to be something you're not and eventually they keep walking, the similarities too much to take. Nick lets out a soft sigh as a theater stretches out before them. Joe doesn't recognise any of the shows or acts, but that's not unusual and they come to a halt next to the billboard. It's showing an unfamilair face and Nick rests a hand on top of it, looking back down the strip, and back towards the shady street, their own hotel just beyond it. "It feels surreal," he says.

"I know," Joe adds, softly. It feels as though anything louder will break the mood.

"We can go back," Nick offers, and he tilts his head to look at Joe. Joe shakes his head and pulls Nick close, an arm around his waist and he kisses the curve of Nick's ear.

They stand in the shadow of the theater, coming alive again with early morning traffic and Joe glances at his watch. The digits flash 4:56 and it's hard to believe it's almost morning, that Kevin will be waking soon. "Dad's going to freak."

"I left a note," Nick says and Joe laughs because of course he did. "For Kevin."

Joe nods once and he's glad that Kevin will know first; he's always been better at placating their father. Nick grins as Joe turns him around and points down the sidewalk, behind the theater. "There's a fountain around the corner," he says, and trails off.

Nick agrees with a nod of his head and they start off again, towards the fountain that Joe remembered from before. It's one of his favourite ones; motion activated and the sensors on the floor are alight with colour as they come closer, water spraying off and on at intervals. Teenagers filtering out from early closing clubs are already dancing through the water, shoes in hand and attire wet, plastered to their bodies. Nick watches them, eyes following their every move and Joe knows to read betwen the lines, at the want in his posture and Joe feels sad for a moment. Nick's never had this, been able to just let loose where everybody knows them. LA and New Jersey are nice, but they're recognised and sheltered. Las Vegas is a haven; a rush of music and addiction, sure, but there's the anonimity which lasts as long as they need it to, allows them to blend in with the teenagers.

"Take of your shoes," Joe pushes and he grins, stupidly, the one he knows that gets Nick hot. Nick sighs but he's already smiling and nods. They're barefoot and walking across the stones, jogging and skipping through the water, and Nick looks like a kid enjoying the life he's leading and just getting to relax.

Pretty soon a game of water tag starts up and the teenagers are drunk or high, cheerful amongst the sensors and it makes something flare deep in Joe's chest to not have the expectation of anything hanging over his head. All he has to do is run, grin and tag. Nick brushes knuckles with an older kid, blonde and grinning, and Joe's glad they came here, that he can see Nick like this.

"Hey, Jonas!" One of the girls is calling him and it's jarring to have her know his name but none of them are letting it affect the game, they're treating them like one of them and Joe snorts, punches the guy closet to him in the arm and the game is on again.

Eventually they break up and Nick gets a noogie from the college kid and the brunette girl who'd yelled at Joe kisses his cheek. "Good luck," they say and wander off deeper into the strip.

Joe hails a taxi whilst Nick scrunches up his t-shirt and tries to wring it out. Rolling his eyes, Joe tosses his jacket at Nick. He'd dropped it before running through the water and it's mostly dry so Nick looks at him, pathetically grateful, and pulls it on. It's too big for him, but tight around the arms where he's been working out and Joe raises his eyebrows appreciatively.

"Nick," Joe says, voice thick and Nick looks back. Their eyes are loaded, heavy with unspoken feelings and want, but neither will act on them. They know better, the hint of danger, the rush not enough to want to test the tumultous emotions already running high between them.

They're about to step closer, to get in each others space, when the Taxi pulls up alongside them.

The Taxi driver is less than pleased to have them in his car but the wad of cash Joe waves under his nose is more than enough incentive to take them back to the hotel.

"You have money," Nick accuses, but it's with a grin and his eyes are hooded, tired and he leans his head against Joe's shoulder.

Joe nods, resting his chin on Nick's dark curls. "We're going to gamble later," he promises.

"Right," Nick snorts and they both know he won't be. They have dreams, though, dreams like tonight; ones that come true if they just work enough, make enough people happy that they get to do what they want,just for one night.

"Joe?" Nick's voice is low, quiet and Joe knows he'll be asleep before they get back to the hotel.

"Yeah?"

There's a brief silence and Joe thinks Nick's sleeping and then, "I'd never be without you."

The words are so soft, full of emotion that Joe closes his eyes, wraps an arm around Nick's shoulders and pulls him close, kissing the side of his face. "Ditto, Nicky."

Nick's fingers curl into the belt loop of Joe's jeans and Joe can feel the eyes of the Taxi driver through the rear view mirror. He catches the mans gaze, but the man is smiling and Joe tilts his head, nodding as he slides further down in the seat.

"I love you," he whispers and Nick smiles against his neck, kisses just under his chin.

"Ditto, Joe," Nick echoes and he's wearing Joe's jacket, smells like he's just run through water and snuffling against Joe's shoulder.

Joe is full of emotion and the desperate need to never let go of Nick, ever and he blinks, watching the world rush by outside of the window. He lets the sounds of Las Vegas wash over him, music and catcalls drifting through the open window and thinks, nothing better.

.the end

[jonas brothers] ficmix; endlessly

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 23:21:39 GMT

.endlessly (a nick/joe fanmix)
[nick/joe]
16 songs. fic!mix. enjoy :)

endlessly; a nick/joe fanmix

endlessly
hopelessly I'll love you endlessly
hopelessly I'll give you everything
but I won't give you up
I won't let you down

i am what i am
Well I know I have my weaknessess
and you point them out to me
but i'll confont the spots of doubt as they arise
i am what i am
the way god made me

Joe's fighting with their Dad again and Nick bends over his guitar, pretends he can't hear them. Kevin's stony faced beside him and Nick wants to say something, the words burning on his tongue. It's between their Dad and Joe, but sometimes Nick thinks they owe it to Joe to step in, to say something.

They all love their dad beyond reason, but sometimes, sometimes Nick just wishes-

"Stay," Kevin says, as the door slams and Nick knows his Dad has gone. He ignores him, he always does, and he pretends not to see the flash of hurt on Kevin's face as he pushes open the door to the bunks.

"Joe?"

He slides the door closed again, Kevin doesn't need this in his face, and takes Joe's arm, pulls him close. Joe just breathes against his neck, hands tight on his waist. It's like they'd holding on, just the two of them in an ocean that's out of control.

"Nick, I just want-"

"I know, Joe," Nick says. "One day-"

He cuts off. He wouldn't ever lie to Joe.

you owe me nothing
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

"You don't owe me anything," Nick says, and he's angry.

Joe stands in the doorway, wondering what he's done this time. "I don't know what's wrong with you."

Nick just shakes his head, like he's had this argument a million times and maybe they have, maybe Joe's fighting a battle he's already lost. "I give you everything, Joe. You tell me everything, even when it hurts me and I let you because I love you, because I want you to be happy and it's the only way I know how to be."

"This isn't about you or us, Nick. This is about me and wanting something - something I haven't-"

Nick snorts. "You think I've never wanted the same thing?"

"To leave? No," Joe says, eyes hard. "I don't think you've ever wanted that."

Nick's mouth thins out, his eyes angry, but he doesn't stop Joe when he leaves.

same mistake
im not calling for a second chance
im screaming at the top of my voice
give me a reason but dont give me a choice
'cause i'll just make the same mistake again

When Nick opens the door, it's raining and Joe's soaked through, hair plastered to his forehead.

Joe opens his mouth, closes it and then tries again. "I'm sorry," he finally manages.

Nick could shut the door, he wants to, but they dance this dance a hundred times and Nick couldn't change the steps if he wanted to. "Come in," he says and lets his hand slide against Joe's as he stands aside to let Joe in.

clear the area
Slowly, darling, nobody means any more to me than you
If you're in, baby then I'm in (into this), with you, always.
Careful, close to the edge (You're scaring me)
Fall in to my arms (where did it all fall?)
Fall, into love love...

Nick stares at the interviewer and then tilts his head a little, watching her face. "I don't believe in soulmates," he says, slowly. He wonders if that's true, what his Dad will say. "But if I did," he amends quickly, eyes flicking to his father, "I don't need to find one."

He doesn't need to elaborate because Joe's grinning like an idiot and the interviewer gives them a tired smile. "A lucky lady?"

Nick rolls his eyes but doesn't say anything, let's her figure it out for herself. Joe knows, though, and that's all Nick needs.

behind enemy lines
See, I was trying to be everything you weren't expecting,
All I ever wanted was to try and keep you guessing,
Now I'm falling way too fast,
I just want this love to last, forever

Demi would kill him if she knew, but Joe is written into every word of the song they write for her.

virgin state of mind
There's a chair in my head on which I used to sit
Took a pencil and I wrote the following on it

Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be

Sometimes Nick wonders just what he's sacrificed for this life, for the fame. They're gifted, God's blessed them, but sometimes Nick tastes the edges of something more, realises that he's controlled, restrained and watched. It's dangerous to want something more but he sees the way Joe fights to get out, that this isn't what he wanted but he gave up everything for Nick, for this life. Nick wants it to, for him. He's never wanted much for himself except to see his brothers happy, safe.

To see Joe happy.

One day, he promises, one day he'll see him smile (genuine) again.

soul meets body
And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too

"I love you," Joe will always whisper before they go on stage.

Nick's in the zone and sometimes he forgets to say it back, so he says it with his music instead. With his eyes, his body, his voice.

these words
These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...

Nick would never tell anyone that sometimes the only way he can write songs is by thinking about Joe.

The way Joe kisses him, touches him, wants him. The way Joe loves him.

Nick would never tell anyone that that over half of the songs he's written are for Joe.

Joe is half of Nick and Nick needs Joe to know that, sometimes.

your guardian angel
I will never let you fall.
I'll stand up for you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all.
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven.

"I've got you," Nick says.

craving
And creativity, it soaks my soul
I asked not to be alone
You don't have to ask me for my hand
I already know where I stand
I only want what I can't have

Joe's afraid that one day, this thing they have between them is going to be too hard to resist.

Losing Nick isn't an option. Joe needs him to want it to, needs him to understand. He watches Nick's face for any sign and he clenches his eyes shut against tears when things get too much, when he feels like he's going to break. On the nights that Nick climbs into the same bed, holds him close, Joe has to fight harder. He doesn't want to let Nick know that this is the reason he's breaking, he's sad. This is the thing he has to stop.

He can't. He wants it too much. If he ghosts a kiss over Nick's sleeping face and it makes his heart hurt that much less, he'll keep doing it.

no one
when the rain is pouring
and my heart is hurting
you will always be around
this i know for certain

Nick's standing in the rain, watching Miley walk away from him. He hadn't meant for it to happen like this, not so close to Christmas, but things just weren't - he's only fourteen, he doesn't know what he wants.

"You okay?"

Joe walks closer, stands next to him and Nick doesn't say anything. If he slides closer, their bodies touching, and twists a finger around Joe's pinkie, Joe lets him. They keep watching, long after Miley's crested the hill and dissapeared.

wires
You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin
You got tears, making tracks
I got tears, that are scared of the facts

Joe's fingers are shaking as he traces the tear tracks on Nick's face. "It's okay," he says, knowing that it's not.

Nick's sleeping, fingers twisted into the fabric of Joe's sweater and Joe wants to move, wants to run down the corridor, out and away. Nick stays his feet. Nick needs him, even if he has their parents, has Kevin, Nick needs Joe.

He resists the urge to touch Nick's chest, above his heart. It's stupid to think Nick's going to die. Except - Except Nick has asked that same question, eyes wide with fear and Joe had had to throw up, to twist away from Nick's expression. He'd wanted to curl up and cry but Kevin had taken his hand, told him to be strong and Joe can do that. He can be strong, like Kevin, because Nick needs him to be.

Joe would die for Nick, would live for him.

He presses a kiss to the inside of Nick's wrist and promises to be better.

so far away
Doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn't help to know you're so far away
Yeah, you're so far away

Nick's frustrated. He's fighting this disease, he's trying to be the same person, to be a better person but it's getting hard to remember why. His parents, he loves them, but they're pushing him to go on, to fight this and he wants to please them but he wants to just rest as well. He wants to sleep forever, press his face into the pillows and not wake up.

To make it worse, he's managed to piss off Joe. Joe, who's walking around with a face like thunder and who snaps at the smallest thing. NIck's tried to apologise, doesn't even know what he's done wrong but if Joe's giving off one signal, it's that Nick is not welcome, not at all.

It hurts, Nick's not going to pretend it doesn't. He thought that when everything else was going wrong, when he had nothing else, Joe would always be there.

When Carole King's song comes on the radio, Nick's sitting at the table, head buried in his arms and hands shaking because he's not eaten yet. His parents will yell, Kevin will worry, face pinched, and Joe - Joe won't even care.

"Nick."

Nick looks up, startled, as Joe slides into the chair opposite. His face is pensive, guilty, and he pushes an apple across the table. It's an apology.

"I'm sorry," Nick says, slowly.

"You didn't do anything wrong." Joe looks frustrated with himself. "It should be about you, and I'm - I'm making it about me."

Nick nods tightly and he gets it, he does. "I need you, Joe."

Joe just looks at him and Nick takes a bite of the apple, no more words are needed.

desperado
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you cant get

Nick slides in next to Joe, presses him against the wall of the bunks. "My Desperado," he whispers and Joe smiles.

They kiss, lazily and lingering, like this is their first, their last, their everything.

a little bit longer
but you don't know what you got until it's gone
and you don't know what it's like to feel so low
and every time you smile, you laugh, you glow
you don't even know, know, know.

"You'll be fine," Joe whispers, kissing Nick's nose. "You'll be fine."

Nick believes him.

(.zip file to come later. the files are on my other computer because i am using the laptop (in bed) to post this D:)

[fic] told me you loved me } nick/joe } adult } theme park!au

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 00:27:13 GMT

.told me you loved me (why are you leaving)
[nick/joe. adult. theme park!au. I KNOW.]
Joe was looking at him, eyes hooded and closed off. "Are you happy, Nick?"

notes; for blackwayfarers who has been waiting for this forEVER.

.told me you loved me (why are you leaving)

The theme park was a run down establishment on the outskirts of Wyckoff, New Jersey. It was five minutes from the Jonas family home and the playground of every child in the county. Despite the fact that every attraction was over four hundred years old and likely to break at any moment, parents and kids would arrive every day, without fail.

The owner was a family friend and had been more than eager to let them all work at the park. Kevin was spending the summer studying for college, but Nick and Joe agreed; Nick to pay for the drum lessons that his father was refusing to fund and Joe because, 'It's a theme park, Nicky. A theme park.'

That had been that.

It was late one friday night when Walt asked them to lock up, trusting Nick with the keys. Joe had that glint in his eye that made Nick both curious and exasperated all at once. It was the one that meant Nick wouldn't be getting home till the early morning. Joe waited until Walt's car has crested the hill and around the bed and then Joe grinned at Nick, a smile that was wide, open and obvious. "No, Joe."

"Oh come on, just some cotton candy."

Except that Nick knew it won't just be cotton candy. It would be everything that Joe could do in a theme park when they had the keys and had to shut up for the night. Nick should know better; his parents would say he should know better, but somehow the thrill of being with Joe, of doing something he shouldn't be and yet seeing that huge grin on Joe's face was worth all of the trouble that they would be getting into. Nick sighed, handed the keys over and Joe bounced on the balls of his feet, throwing an arm over Nick's shoulders and knocking their heads together. His palm was warm against the back of Nick's neck and for a moment he forgot how to breathe.

"Joe," Nick sighed but Joe was already off, jamming the keys into his pocket as he went.

Everything in the park was always breaking and Nick wondered when the Inspectors were going to shut it down; nothing that unstable should be able to exist and yet everything about the park left a warm feeling in the pit of Nick's stomach. Walt had never been anything but good to both of them. He always had a kind word for Kevin and a bag of cotton candy for Frankie. Nick sighed and followed his brother at a more sedate pace. Joe was already half in and half out of the confectionary stand, placing both hands on the counter and leaping up to sit on the bar. He reached down and grabbed a bag of candy from the shelves. "Want some?"

It was a stupid question so Joe made a face, like he had momentarily forgotten and Nick didn't blame him. Sometimes he forgot he had it, too. Nick turned and rested his back against the stand, Joe's legs swaying next to him. He looked out over the park, at the wealth of things for the both of them to do and figured there were worse things he could be doing with his friday night. Besides, they wouldn't even get into trouble if they were careful, if they stuck to things that were easy to put back the way they found them. They could convince Demi to knock a couple of bags of candyfloss off of the list and Nick was pretty sure he could bribe Miley into keeping quiet if they used the Ghost Train, but-

"The Ferris Wheel," Joe breathed, the hand on Nick's shoulder warm and distracting.

Or they could spend their entire summer's work wages on bribing people to keep quiet about every single ride in the park being used.

"We can't use the Ferris Wheel," Nick said, knowing it was futile argument. If Joe wanted to use the Ferris Wheel, he would use it.

"Are you sure this is safe?" Nick looked over the side of the car and tried to ignore the creaking of the beams. Joe rolled his eyes but pushed the bar down, trapping them both inside.

"Ready for the ride of your life, Nicholas?" Joe wiggled his eyebrows like Nick was supposed to understand what he was talking about and hit the release the button. The car jerked and shuddered as the ferris wheel started up, the slow pace almost soothing. Nick had an idea of what Joe wanted to do on this ride and it had nothing to do with them going home. As long as the ferris wheel didn't break and they died horrible deaths that would have them on every news station on the east coast, Nick didn't mind.

Joe tilted his head back and Nick did the same, watching the dark sky. There were a handful of stars against the black but not many. Nick turned his face to find Joe looking at him, eyes hooded and closed off. "Are you happy, Nick?"

For some reason, Nick didn't think that he was asking about right now but he still didn't know how to answer. He was working a bad job at the local (disasterous) theme park, he had so much schoolwork he thought he was going to die, his father had forbidden him from taking anymore drum lessons until his grades were back to normal and he was about to die a horrible death by ferris wheel, but Nick nodded because yeah, despite that he was happy. "You?" he managed, tightly.

Joe didn't say anything, just lifted a hand hesitantly to Nick's face, threading his fingers into Nick's hair.

They stayed that while and Nick debated looking at his watch. They should be getting home. He didn't want their parents to worry.

"Kevin will cover for us," Joe said quietly, into his ear.

"I know." Kevin was awesome like that. He'd know that whatever Joe and Nick were doing, they were safe. He trusted them both to tell him if that wasn't the case and they knew it. Nick dropped his chin onto Joe's shoulder. "Are we going down yet?"

Joe shrugged lightly, careful of Nick's face. "If you want to."

"No, I don't," Nick said, softly. "It's fine up here."

There should be a law about making out on a Ferris Wheel, Nick thought, but Joe didn't seem to care. He maneuvered them so that Nick was pressed into the seat, one of Joe's legs pinning Nick beneath him. "I want-"

Nick swallowed and twisted his fingers into Joe's hair, pulling him down. "Don't," he said. "Just - just kiss me."

Joe did as he was asked and licked into Nick's mouth, the hand that was on his hip was hot agianst the skin, nails digging into flesh. Nick groaned and let Joe's tongue slide into his mouth. He was hard and Joe had to feel it with his knee pressed between Nick's legs, but the only move Joe was making was to mouth at Nick's neck and collarbone.

"Joe," Nick said and pressed a hand to Joe's chest. "We can't."

Joe stopped and looked at Nick slowly, leaving Nick feeling like he was moving through mud, like his senses were taking too long to catch up. The look in Joe's eyes was - he was devouring Nick with everything he had and Nick woouldn't be able to say no, wouldn't be able to stop if he didn't close his eyes or turn away or -

"Please Joe," Nick pleaded, but he didn't want to stop. He didn't know what he wanted, he just -

Joe dropped his head to the crook of Nick's neck and licked at the skin. "Nick," He said, mouth pressed against Nick's shoulder. "Tell me."

"I want," Nick started, "okay." He swallowed hard and dropped a hand to Joe's waist. "It's - I want you."

Taking a few shaky breaths, Joe smiled against Nick's neck, he could feel it, and then pulled back.

Nick looked down between them, watching Joe's hand as he popped the button on Nick's jeans and then lowered the fly, so slow Nick though he was almost stopped. Time seemed to slow, or maybe Nick was still moving through mud, but it seemed to take an age for Joe to lower the zip and shove Nick's jeans off of his hips, letting them hang on his thighs.

Nick was breathing heavy, watching Joe through half-lidded eyes. He wanted this.

Joe's fingers wrapped around his cock and Nick let out a small whine, his hands shaking where they were wrapped tight around the bar of the car and Joe's hip. When Joe started to jerk him off slowly, long fingers moving in easy strokes, Nick closed his eyes, squeezing them shut as Joe swallowed his cries and moans with his mouth, kissing and biting until the sensations were just one big mass of want. Nick's hips were jerking against Joe's hand and he wanted to give back, to make this as good for Joe as it was for him, and he opened his eyes slowly, his free hand reaching for the front of Joe's jeans. As soon as he spread his fingers against the fly, Joe groaned low in his throat and bent his head, hair falling in his eyes and face flushed.

This was everything Nick had never wanted and yet craved with every inch of him. He lifted his head to kiss Joe, lingering and wet, desperate for anything, to take that look out of Joe's eyes. He wanted this to be good. "You can, Joe, I-"

The words wouldn't come and Nick let out a frustrated noise but Joe seemed to come back to himself then, remembering where they were and he twisted his wrist.

"Ungh, Joe," Nick managed, stars exploding behind his eyes. This was better than everything before and he rested his head back against the plastic seat, letting Joe reset the pace.

"I love you," Joe said into the air between them and Nick nodded, eyes conveying everything he wanted to say. His knuckles were white as they clutched desperately for something to ground him, every nerve ending on fire. Joe was driving him crazy and his hips felt like they'd never stop moving, like he would never stop wanting Joe. As Joe bent down to bite at Nick's neck, teeth grazing his skin, he rubbed his thumb over the head of Nick's cock and Nick didn't remember anything else.

When he could open his eyes, his whole body felt weak and he was shaking all over. Joe was running his fingers over Nick's face, looking at him with a smile on his face. It was a smile Nick hadn't seen in ages, not since school had started and they'd had less time together than they were used to. Nick wondered if Joe had -

"Nick," Joe said, and Nick didn't care. If Joe was satisfied, he was too.

Nick waited for Joe to shut off the Ferris Wheel before making his way across the tarmac. The theme park was larger than average and the attractions were varied if obvious. He could hear Joe's footsteps before he felt the hand slide into the back pocket of his jeans and Joe coming to walk alongside him. Nick's skin was hyper sensitive from his orgasm and he shivered as Joe pressed a kiss to his neck. He tried not to focus on the part of him that knew this was wrong, that something about their relationship wasn't right, shouldn't be but Nick had long ago learnt that nothing about them was as clear cut as he would have liked. What he and Joe had wasn't comparable to anything else. Nick knew that if anything were to happen (it never would, it never ever would) to Joe, Nick would just cease to be. He would exist. He just didn't know if he would still be Nicholas.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing," Nick said and he grinned as they passed the game stands. He remembered days of coming to the park, spending hours just playing the various games and trying to win a stuffed toy. It didn't matter what, he just had to win something.

"Want me to win you a fish, Nick?"

Joe pulled his hand from Nick's pocket and walked over to the nearest game. He pulled on the front board and placed it on the floor. Darts.

"I bet you can't hit a single one," Nick said, knowing how notoriously bad Joe was at anything that demanded hand-eye co-ordination. He wandered over to stand next to Joe, watching in amusement as Joe grabbed a handful of darts and raised an eyebrow at Nick in challenge. Nick closed the gap between them, almost treading on Joe's toes as close as they were, and pulled three darts from Joe's hand.

Joe snorted and turned to the dart board tacked to the backboard at an angle, wonky. There was no doubt as to David's work. He'd never been very good at multi-tasking and so many hot girls manning the game stands had to be hard for him to handle when he was trying to fix up the park. Nick's lips tugged as he thought of David's face falling when he realised all those hot girls would abandon the park during the semester and he'd be left with Old Walt and the part-time handlers. "Nick," Joe said, poking him in the shoulder. "Your turn."

Joe's dart was hanging off of the 5 and Nick rolled his eyes. This was going to be easy.

Five games later and Nick growled under his breath.

"Don't worry Nick," Joe said with a smile, "I always win you the toys anyway."

Nick's anger faded under Joe's constant enthusiasm and he looked over Nick's shoulder. "Oooh, look, it's the shooting gallery!"

He was already abandoning the dart stall for the guns and Nick sighed, clearing up after them. He slid the board back into place and watched from a distance as Joe attempted to win Nick a prize from every stall in the park. It was a good two hours and Joe didn't miss a game. Nick was content to sit back and watch for the most part, watching the way Joe's tongue would poke between his teeth when something was especially hard or he was losing. At the grins he would throw Nick when he was winning or when he'd done something especialy awesome. The look in his eyes made Nick sigh, as though Joe was looking for validation. He didn't need it; if there was one person in the world who Nick would never lose faith in, who Nick woud always need, would always have, it was Joe.

By the time the moon was high in the sky above them, Nick was looking wistfully at the car park. As fun as this was, they should be getting back home. He jumped as Joe slammed the board back into place. As the night wore on, the more eager Joe was to do everything. Nick wondered what he was compensating for.

The ride immediately after the game stalls was the Ghost Train.

"Shall we fuck Miley's shit up?"

Nick frowned. "Don't cuss, Joe."

Joe ignored him and slid the door to the ticket booth open. "I'll start her up. Pick a car, Nicky."

Nick climbed up the step and into the nearest car, a hideous pink thing that made Joe pull a face. Nick grinned. "It matches your eyes, Joe."

"Ha ha," Joe deadpanned and started the ride up. As Nick passed in the car, he jumped in, jostling Nick's leg as he got comfortable. The doors to the back opened and the car moved inside, automated. Nick sighed and pressed his face into Joe's neck, a veteran of the ride. Miley had taken him through at least four times, mostly just for something they had in common. Joe's heartbeat was thumping against his cheek and Nick smiled as it sped up, a rush from the train. Joe always loved these things, even when he knew what was coming. Especially then. The mechanical skeletons and pre-recorded screams just made Nick roll his eyes and smother a smile at Joe's hitch of breath and laugh. "I love this ride."

"I know," Nick said and sat back, resting his hands on the bar along the front of the car. "You should know this ride off by heart."

"I'm not the one Miley brings in here."

There was an edge to Joe's voice that Nick wasn't going to call him on. The jealousy to any attention given to the other was just something they had learned to deal with. Nick felt it every time Joe met up with Camilla at the end of his shift. He felt it every time she pulled up outside their house, Joe bounding down the path and into the convertible whilst both Kevin and their dad looked on, the same familiar down turn to their mouths. Nick had learnt quickly not to be around on those days, usually walking Elvis or down in the basement with Frankie. He wasn't going to think about Joe moving on without him. About Joe not needing him.

Nick realised the ride had come to a stop and Joe was looking at him sideways, eyes searching his face. "I didn't mean-"

"I know what you meant." Nick hated how low his voice came out, how desperate he was to know that Joe would never leave him behind.

"Come on," Joe said, pulling him from the car. "I'm hungry."

Nick was lying on the floor of the parking lot, gravel digging into his hip where he was half off of the blanket they had pulled from Joe's car. Joe was pressed against his left side, fingers hooked lazily in the belt loop of Nick's jeans, palm warm against his thigh. "Tonight been-"

Joe turned his face and smiled against Nick's cheek. "I know."

Maybe they didn't have to turn it into words. Nick thought they both knew what this had been.

"We should get back," he said reluctantly.

Joe made a sound into his neck and his hand was resting on Nick's chest, palm flat and fingers spread over his heart. "Stay with me, Nick."

Suddenly, Nick knew what all of this had been about and he didn't know how to answer. Things were going to change after the summer; they'd be going to different schools and there'd be no time and Nick didn't want things to happen but they would. Maybe they could convince Walt to keep them on at weekends. "We'll still have here," he said at last.

The sigh, when it came, was low and reluctant, as though Joe knew everything Nick was trying to say and couldn't. "I love you."

Nick blinked and turned, wondering what he would see in Joe's face. All that was there was a look in his eyes that was all for Nick; adoration and desperation, need and want. Nick swallowed hard and jerked forward, crushing their lips together. Wrong, forbidden and everything it shouldn't be.

Yet so irrevocably right.

"I love you too, Joe."

.the end

[fic] are you still mad } nick/joe } pg } post-relationship

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 23:26:14 GMT

.are you still mad that i gave up (long before you did)
[joe/nick. pg. angst. post-relationship.]
It's been years since they've seen each other.
notes; thank you to blackwayfarers who dealt with me copy/pasting this into AIM and being D: D: D: about writing it, haha. ♥

.are you still mad that i gave up (long before you did)

It's been years since they've seen each other and Nick grips the steering wheel tight with his right hand. He can see Joe sitting in the coffee shop, hunched over and his black coat almost smothering where it's bunched on his shoulders. His cap is tilted on his head and the dark glasses hide everything from Nick; but he knows.

He can see the slight downturn of Joe's mouth and something invisible tightens around his heart. He doesn't know what to say to him, how this will go and Nick hates not being in control of the situation. He shuts off the car and grabs his wallet and phone, shutting the door quietly. It takes every ounce of self control he possesses not to turn and run.

The bell above the door chimes as he walks in and Joe's head turns a fraction. Nick wishes he could see Joe's eyes, wishes he knew what his brother was thinking.

The booth is in the back, tucked away from prying eyes and Nick's pathetically grateful. He can feel eyes on him, the sensations prickling as he ducks his head. "Hi," he says slowly, sliding into the seat across from Joe. "I didn't think you'd be here."

"I asked to see you, didn't I?" Joe's voice is hard, an edge that Nick doesn't like and he nods slowly.

He doesn't know why Joe asked him here and the fact that he'd called at all still surprises him. Joe had fallen off of the face of the planet what feels like a hundred years ago now, on the downturn of their fame. The slow burn of their eventual downfall had cut deep into Joe, watching fans that had been so adoring turn against him had battered his confidence. He's retreated to the safety of New Jersey whilst Nick has continued on, making music that Disney couldn't control, couldn't keep a grip on. He's making music he wants to and whilst his father's disapproving face always reflected in the rear view mirror of Nick's car, he was doing what he loved most, making music that was getting him noticed.

"I didn't know if you'd still be in LA," Joe admits slowly, like it's being dragged from somewhere deep. Nick doesn't know how to take his brother anymore, doesn't know how different they are, if the thing they had back then is still there.

Their relationship frayed somewhere between America and Europe, their World Tour, successful, but destructive and leading to a downward spiral from which Joe never recovered.

Nick smiles at the waitress who approaches their table cautiously and orders a coffee. She blushes, nods and walks away. Nick catches Joe watching him, eyes burning into the side of his face and Nick doesn't know what he's waiting for, what he wants.

"Why did you call me?"

Joe taps his fingers along the plastic table and Nick thinks he's not going to answer. "I forgot your birthday."

Nick snorts and sits back against the booth. "You've missed the last five. Why should this one count any?"

Joe winces, Nick can tell that much, but he doesn't say anything. He just stares out of the window, like the answers are going to jump out of the pane. Nick's forgotten what dealing with Joe is like and it's an effort to remember why he had ever done this; back then they'd been brothers, more than and it hurts Nick to think something between them is irrevocably broken forever.

Nick wishes Kevin were here; he'd be able to get through to Joe in this mood, like this, when Nick's forgotten how.

"Are you still mad?"

Nick waits until the waitress leaves and pulls the coffee towards him, tracing the edge of the cup with his finger. "About what?"

"That I gave up long before you did?"

It's not the words so much as the tone and Nick frowns. He thinks about the question. It was never about being mad that Joe gave up on him, but more that he gave up at all. "It must be nice," he says instead, "to be able to run away and forget that you've left people behind."

"I didn't run away," Joe says, his tone hard again. "I certainly didn't forget you."

Nick shook his head. "No phone calls, no letters, it's like you fell off the planet, Joe."

Saying Joe's name is stark and loud in the sudden silence of the cafe and it falls off of Nick's tongue like it always does, a mixture of exasperation and affection. Nick wonders if Joe knows how Nick feels, as if the distance and the years had never happened. They're sitting in a cafe after their latest show, on a high, and he's staring at Joe like he's the best thing in the world.

Nick wants to feel like that again.

"I made a mistake. It's not easy admitting that."

You made several, Nick wants to say, but he doesn't. Years of working under the cold direction of the Disney corporation has instilled the knowledge of when to say something and when to not and the training is hard to break. He stares down into the cup and wonders why this isn't as easy as it should be, as he was hoping. He shouldn't have come here with any expectation, especially none concerning his brother. Joe was - had been - notoriously good at breaking the norm. "Does mum-"

"-know where I am?" Joe shrugs and Nick doesn't know what that means and it's disconcerting. They never used to need words. Now it's as if there aren't enough.

"I don't know you anymore," Nick finds himself saying and he surprises himself as well as Joe. "I don't know what I'm doing, why you're here. I was," Nick swallows hard, matter-of-fact about his next words, "starting to get over it."

Joe finally slides the glasses off of his face and places them on the table. Nick can see a wealth of age and life in Joe's eyes but he sees the regret too, and the longing.

"You gave up on me," he says before Joe opens his mouth. "You stopped it, you left."

"I wanted-"

Nick doesn't want to hear it, whatever it is. "Just stop."

Joe does as he's asked, but he doesn't look away. It's as though he's trying to see through Nick, to find what he's looking for. Nick doesn't know what that is.

"What do you want from me?"

"Nothing," Joe admits slowly, "Nothing. I wanted to know if-"

He doesn't say anything else, but Nick knows, just like he always did, somewhere in the back of his mind. "I would never, never, hate you."

Joe looks relieved but there's still no clear path ahead. Nick could forgive him, could have his brother back but run the risk of being hurt again. Or he could walk out of the coffee shop forever and turn his back on everything Joe's here to try and fix.

"My car is outside," he says slowly.

Joe raises an eyebrow but he doesn't say anything, just waits for Nick to finish.

"I don't live far. You can come back to mine for coffee. This tastes like shit."

The curse doesn't come easy but Joe's mouth twitches a little and Nick considers it a small victory in the wake of immense failures. "Sure."

Nick overpays for the coffee despite the quality and they make their way out of the door and Joe stands on the sidewalk.

"You kept the Mustang?"

"I'm not going to give up a vintage car, Joe." Nick rolls his eyes and starts to move, but Joe catches his elbow.

"Nick."

Nick turns but doesn't say anything. Joe looks like he's fighting with whatever he's going to say next. He hopes it's not an apology, he doesn't think he could take one right now. Not that he would ever expect Joe to apologise for doing something he felt was necessary; Nick would begrudge Joe nothing, the only reason he didn't hop in his car and follow Joe back home the instant he'd realised he was gone.

They'd both needed space and Nick's only choice had been to grant it.

"I missed you."

The look in Joe's eyes is tinged with sadness and Nick can see the regret in every line of Joe's body.

Nick steps back up onto the pavement and they're standing so close it's like Nick can't breath, feelings he'd long buried rushing to the surface at the smell of Joe's aftershave, at the weight of his fingers on Nick's elbow. "I know," he says slowly, breath ghosting Joe's face and he doesn't imagine the shudder.

"I want to fix this," Joe says and Nick doesn't say that he already has, that there was nothing (really) broken.

Nick knows that this is too public, that he's never far from one camera or two, but right now Joe is in Nick's space, is here and Nick would trade every inch of fame he possessed to take Joe home and have him stay. "There's nothing to forgive," he says, "and everything to forget."

Joe smiles bright, it's enough that Nick feels it, but he remembers them being so much more. "Thank you," he says quietly.

Nick's throat is tight as he nudges Joe towards the passenger door. He can breathe now that Joe's not in his space anymore, but Nick's chest feels tighter. He hasn't felt suffocated by Joe in so long and the memory of Joe's skin on his, of the kiss of Joe's lips against his own, his face, his neck are too much to take and Nick's hands shake as they pull open the door.

He reaches over to unlock the door and when Joe slides in, he doesn't move back. Joe turns his face and something ghosts over his face. "Nick," he says slowly, unsure.

"I want-"

He doesn't have to finish. Joe closes the gap between them and presses a hesitant kiss to his lips. It's as if time slows down, stops, and Nick's shaking, he has to be, because Joe's hand curves along his jaw and he's whispering it's okay into Nick's mouth but it's not, it's not okay.

"I love you," Joe says when Nick pulls away, just enough, and Nick knows he means it.

"Stay."

There are things they need to figure out, things they're going to need to talk about, but Nick knows that he can't lose Joe again. It's like finding a part of yourself you've been missing for far too long.

"I don't-"

Nick can't hear him say no, can't hear him refuse. He slides back into his own seat and fumbles for his keys again. Joe sighs, low.

"Let's have coffee and whatever happens will happen," Joe says, slowly.

It's not a promise of anything, but they have hope. They always have hope.

Nick pulls out of the parking lot and into the distance; towards an uncertain future.

.the end

[jonas brothers] HOLY SHIT, OKAY

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 21:08:08 GMT

RGIVE ME FOR BEING SPAMMY MCSPAMMERSON BUT:

HOLD THE PHONE. JOSEPH. JOSEPH. (NICK AND KEVIN TOO, UNF UNF BUT JOSEPH.)

... ARE YOU BECOMING A REAL BOY AT LAST?

I WOULD HIT THAT. YOU WOULD TOO.

[ELJAY BIRTHDAY]

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 17:47:20 GMT

IT'S MY ELJAY BIRTHDAY TODAY! ♥

\0/

COMMENT!PICSPAM. + Fandom + Pairing/Character (can be either, or. wont be huge. just small and wonderful)

or COMMENT!FIC + Fandom + Pairing/Character (can be either, or.)

or COMMENT!Fanmix + Fandom + Pairing/Character (can be either, or. A maximum of three songs.)

(fandoms; kings. heroes. merlin. sga. jonas brothers. disney rpf. i would say supernatural, but we'll see D:)

ETA; AND I WILL MAKE IT FOR YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.. I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO DO IT FOR ME. THE OTHER WAY AROUND, OMG.

COME CELEBRATE WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

ALSO:

Comment on this entry, and I will:

1. Tell you why I friended you.
2. Associate you with something - fandom, a song, a color, a photo, a word etc.
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
6. Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
7. In return, you must post this in your LJ.

[meme] happiness; day o7

thisissirius@livejournal.com — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:57:35 GMT

EIGHT DAYS OF HAPPY! | prev. days: o1 | o2 | o3 | o4 | o5 | o6

1. Post about something that made you happy today, even if it's just a small thing.
2. Do this every day for eight days.
3. Tag eight of your friends to do the same.

happiness: o7

+ Jonas Brothers - Tonight [Slow] (Live at Ryman Auditorium) - I've been listening to this puppy all day. It's the SLOW version of Tonight and oh man, it's amazing. I ripped the audio off of a youtube video and turned into this baby right here. Feel free to take :)

I DEMAND YOU LISTEN TO IT'S AWESOMENESS. Ignore the screaming girls and I swear, it's not even that bad once you're listening to it. In fact, when they start singing to you just get that feeling in your heart - Nick said it once 'There;s nothing like the feeling of 6000 people all singing the same song' and ohjesus, there isn't.

+ speaking to the bff on the phone for like an hour about nothing. it's the best feeling in the world when you haven't seen her for like, ages. and by ages i mean four days, which is a LOT to us, okay? we work in the same place and live like 20 minutes apart, so it's hard not seeing her D: IT WAS AN AWESOME TIME.

+ spending the morning with my mummy ♥ it was so good. we trawled youtube videos for sesame street and ahaha i'm not even telling you why, but it was so much fun. i love you, mummy ♥!!!

+ the jonas brothers have a twitter and totally not ones that yenetai and i made up, haha. FOR REAL.

+ i miss stargate: atlantis D: I don't even know why considering it hasn't pinged much on my radar since the AWFULNESS that was the finale but wow, today i missed it? i might go and watch millers crossing before sleepy times.

+ you guys. you guys are always so awesome to me.

+ blackwayfarers! you and me should have serious chats about this arrested development thing because JOE IS LINDSAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i haven't seen much but WHEN I HAVE, we should DISCUSS things because i could see this working, okay.)